on being engaged

I’m engaged. Ryan and I are engaged and I have started this blog post about five times.  (now we are just about half way through our engagement stage, so I'll finish it up).

One of the best things that has ever happened to me occurred in North Carolina this past August. Ryan, my boyfriend at the time, in his words “upgraded me” to his fiancée. He proposed in the most perfect way and I said yes!

And now…. We are on our way to alter!!! (just as soon as we finish making some flower, photography, and ceremony decisions, and then prepare our little hearts for a life time of love and commitment)

Ok, we’re on it!

 Turns out no matter how amazing and wonderful the change is; it is still a change. It is the best upgrade that anyone has ever asked me to be a part of and I am blessed beyond words that I get to spend my life with someone that I think is the greatest person I’ve ever met. BONUS!! And so, I am preparing myself for all the changes that comes with my, “yes”.  Cause HELLO change, there is a lot of you

There are some really powerful things I have discovered to assist me in my road towards marriage.  This engagement stage comes with more decisions and feelings and choices than I ever realized brides and grooms encountered.  Often I turn to books to ground me when I enter uncharted territory, cause I figure someone else has most likely gone through something a little similar.  So I currently am reading, The conscience bride, and it is AWESOME!!! I have always LOVED to connect with other people that are going or have gone through something similar to me. (Although I am also trying to grasp that no one has ever lived my life and I need to stop trying to get people to understand my choices and every aspect of my life….. OH, which brings me to a really great quote from a different book I am also reading, “the vast majority of us go to our graves without knowing who we are. We unconsciously live someone else’s expectations for us. This does violence to ourselves, our relationship with God, and ultimately to others". Anyway, that book is GOOD. Thanks Peter Scazzero, you’re a solid author) And ok, back to the conscience bride book,  it’s also solid and kinda like a game changer!  I am working hard to be me and be the best Jes I can be for myself and then also for this man that I am just about to marry. The guy I am about to commit to live life with for the rest of our lives. That’s pretty huge. It’s a big deal!

So as I am learning to live MY life and live the very best one I can possibly live. I am really into the little moments in life. The raw, low key, easy times. Kinda like the outtakes of life. Just a little like this picture……here we are waiting for the perfect sunlight and for the cars to STOP driving in front of our “backdrop” during our engagement photo shoot.  We are really happy, as seen in all our published engagement pictures, but in this outtake image, it’s raw, we are just waiting, it’s real life.

              And then we kept posing for our perfect NYC skyline picture but there were boats and people and airplanes.  The picture we printed on canvas and LOVE came together long after all the others were taken.

After this boat, came the picture we were waiting for!

“Breathing through uncomfortable situations is what brings growth.” This is what I have been told in one of my books.

The most authentic and beautiful life I can possibly live comes from accepting situations I can’t control and ones I didn’t expect.  Cause sometimes an unexpected things turns into the love of my life. (other times it’s crying about the unexpected things on our wedding “to do” list). But that’s life. 

For me, I don't want to put all my energy into waiting for the magical moments. There will be boats in the way, the sun won't shine the way our photographer needs, and sometimes high heels hurt after a while.

And there ARE magical moments and I am super thankful for those too!!

Life is an adventure and most of the best things in my life have come without me pushing and forcing, so maybe I can take that little thought and keep myself calm for the next four months as we finish up wedding plans for our day in May 2015!

Summer in Brooklyn

There are plenty of times in life that we look around and think, “how the hell is ALL this happening to me”.  I have had those times, times when I wondered if my little eyes would run out of tears, they didn’t.  Remembering those times make me incredibly grateful for the beautiful times in life. The past shapes us, we are formed by it, broken by it, and also, I think, saved by it. Our hearts heal and we are saved to keep dreaming.

I am having a really great summer. I am falling in love with someone really special. And I know….. it can be a bit much when people brag about their partner but I am going to join that crowd for second and talk about how things are going really well over here in Brooklyn.

I also would like to request a special bragging pass, just this once, because I have seriously put in my time having to fall out of love with a few guys and I have written about that and I think this little entry will be a lot more uplifting to read!

And I know, some people miss my dating stories, just for the sheer comic relief but I am excited to report that my boyfriend does not provide me with material to laugh about later.  He doesn’t create situations that are so incredibly awkward they turn out to be great stories later. Sorry.

He actually shows up when he says he will (for any NYC dater, you KNOW that’s a big deal), he doesn’t ask me if I’m on my period if I order a slice of chocolate cake (that happened!), he doesn’t act like I’m insane if I ask if he’s dating other people after five months of dating (he wanted to be exclusive week two). This guy is a good egg. We are having a fun time getting to know each other and just doing life.

 

The thing about life is, timing, it seems to always get the best of us. This time last year I did not at all image my life to be to way it is now, in a good way.  I think that is also why we have good friends. Friends that remind us we’ve conquered harder days before and friends who remind us that good days will come again. Right around now, this time last year, I was in Paris with one of my very best friends. I remember the moment so clearly; we had a bottle of red wine and a picnic dinner, sitting in front of the Louvre (so cliché and so Hollywood, I know, but I’m just explaining the setting).  We both were talking about what we wanted out of life and how hard it is when those things are out of our control and there is nothing we can do but wait, be patient, and still live today.  We have been friends for while and so reminded each other of challenging times we’ve overcome in the past and probably those moments have given us the strength to wait for our wishes to come true.

Currently those dreams are coming true.

I’m an emotional individual. It’s in my blood. I come from a family where we are raw with emotion, sometimes that’s a good thing, and other times it can be a challenge for us and for those around. It is always clear how I am feeling, I wear my feelings on my face and I can’t fake it.

These days, my face is happy. Really happy. Really blessed.

It’s not all roses and the reality is, nothing ever is, it’s just stages of life. I currently have a mouse problem and sometimes I see a mouse and scream SO loud I give myself a headache.  I also don’t have a washer anymore and I miss that, since I’m not a huge fan of hanging out at the Laundromat, but it has to get done.  I have now learned that my neighbors have turned their outdoor space into what one can only call a mini basketball court and an over-sized cheering section; I don’t love it. It’s so loud!

My July has been full of falling in love at the Brooklyn Botanical gardens, backyard sushi, bikes rides, scheduling the exterminator to come back for the third time, waiting for the dryer to be done, and runs in the park where I am thankful to have some quiet moments away from my NBA training neighbors.

             

There’s a song lyric, “let’s risk the ocean” and honestly taking a risk seems like the one thing that can get us out of really hard times. It seems like the best thing we could ever do for ourselves.  So we take risks and we learn. We learn from those around us and jump in cause, we only have this one life to live.

worlds apart

I love getting glimpses into other people’s world.  

 

I love that life in my 30s means spending a Saturday evening celebrating with my good friend who turned 40 in NJ. Eating really good food, drinking wine, and having great conversation in a beautiful home. Then, that same night, leaving the calm, quiet, kid filled, organized, and clean home to then celebrate with my 22-year-old friend who moved into a new apartment down the street from me, back in Brooklyn.  I Showed up to her new apartment,  met her five roommates  and we drank out of paper cups, ate some homemade snacks, and played games that had us laughing really hard!

The two events couldn’t have been more different. Two different worlds.

At another party, the next Saturday, my good friend, actually one of my very favorite friends in Brooklyn, was having a birthday dinner. I was telling him about my previous Saturday night and honestly just how lucky I feel to have good friends in all different worlds.  He asked, “where did you feel like you fit in, 10 years older or 10 years younger?”

It takes a LOT for me to feel uncomfortable, I was home schooled, I was never forced to fit in. I have always been, just jes who makes herself fit into whatever is going on around her.  I loved both events so much and my good friend’s birthday party in NJ was so special to be a part of and I love new experiences. Sometimes it can be easier to feel comfortable in a world where we have already been. I have thrown and attended plenty of twenty something year old parties. I can do that. I have lived in that world.  A house full of kids and living in spaces larger than 400 sq feet, I’ve not done that.  That’s a world I am not a part of yet.

We live and make the world we want. The one that makes the most sense to us.

Lately, my world has been feeling like a dream. Like a little tiny fairy tale and I’m the co-star.  Last Sunday afternoon exemplifies the beauty I am talking about.  My boyfriend and I went to church. Church and my faith is a world that has always, always, been close to my heart.  Probably THEE most formative and consistent aspect of my life. At the same time it is a world that is so special and close to my heart that I rarely talk about it often. It’s hard to explain in words and so I don’t, I just keep it in my life because it is my life.  Keep it as my anchor, my rock.

After church we went to brunch in Brooklyn Heights. Brunch has also been an important part of my world for years! I LOVE sitting at brunch. It’s so relaxing, so good, SO perfect on Sundays! Not as formative as church, but another staple in my life.

What’s good brunch if not followed up by a trip to my favorite candy shop in Dumbo! Hello Dilly’s! My niece is the only other person I know who smiles as big as me while choosing candy from this shop!

Just walking and talking and eating candy is time well spent.

So this is what my world has been looking like lately.  It’s the world I’ve chosen and am completely thrilled to live it.

Reflections and hyberation

It’s the dead of the winter. Like, COLD. So cold that I was talking to a stranger in a super cute and cozy bar last night about how she flies to Florida on Friday mornings and back to NYC Sunday night. I learned, “it’s super easy, just need a credit card, and only one day off of work. Honestly, it’s just how I am able to survive this winter. It doesn’t even take long to pay off.” Her words exactly, as she sipped her $13 cocktail. She had good ideas on how to make this winter manageable.

 Weather talk is very much an American thing.  A Londoner I know really well, lived in NYC for a few years and was always taken aback by how much Americans talk about the weather.

We do.

I don’t know if it’s because we feel like survivors when it’s -2 out and we are actually still alive. Or maybe because we all LOVE to feel a part of something and weather is a guaranteed commonality with those in our neighborhoods. But honestly, everyone should just slow their roll because before we know it, it’ll be 103 with humidity that makes my hair go rogue and an imaginable amount of sweat requiring me to bring an extra tank top every time I ride my bike in it.

I do love the seasons. It reminds me that consistency can be defined however I want it to be.  That is liberating.  Change is really the only consistent thing we have going on.

I am dating a San Diego native. He is doing so well in this freezing weather and hasn’t complained at all about it. Maybe he figures I complain enough for the both of us.  

I am the least private person I know. I will tell anyone anything, pretty much. But…… I will practice some self control and not ramble on about my boyfriend on this blog. I will just say, this winter is a lot more manageable with my guy. 

So…….high five for the Winter. For how it gives us some hibernation time and maybe even a little more rest than the other seasons we have in a year. For the hot tea, mulled wine, and a hot toddy that all keep us just a little warmer and for some time to just sit and reflect.

This is my attempt at being a fan of the winter.