30s

I'm 30 and pretty psyched about that. I like that I can start a new season and leave some stuff behind. I am also glad to bring along the stuff that has made me, me. My honesty was found in the tears of my 20s. I learned about being true to myself.... whatever the price. High five Jes K! I like to think the wrinkles around my eyes come from smiling and laughing too much in my 20s. (or maybe I am just not willing to spend $ on eye cream yet) Maybe I was dancing on a bar, hiking upstate, joking around, or just having a good time.... but laugher happened the most in my 20s. It was a good decade.

I learned about true friendship, heart break, independence, my dreams and the very best thing I learned about was myself. I'm 30 and I think I am just starting to understand myself. I feel confident about what I like and feel fine about not liking things and even people. Turns out I don't have to like everyone. What a relief!

I know what makes me happy and when to take a break before life overwhelms me. I know I need to run, eat well, work hard, and take care of my spiritual and mental health in order to keep making those eye wrinkles worse!!

I love life again. I'm currently in love NYC and all that it has given me in the past 8 years. I am excited to see what this new decade has to offer me! Bring it on 30s~

Graduation and summer

Two weeks ago my school, Kurt Hahn Expeditionary Learning School, graduated its first ever group of students. It was worth the four years of work (sweat, tears, meetings, frustrations..... etc) we put into those kids. It was seriously more intense than I ever would have imaged!

There are three students who have become more like family than work to me. Two of them are twins, one boy and one girl, and the other one is best friends to them, a boy. I have had those three in my English and advisory classes since they moved from Haiti to NY. They came to our school not speaking any English. The twins' parents lived in Haiti and during the summer between their 10th-11th grade years their mother died. They live here in Brooklyn with an aunt. The other boy lives with a Father who didn't raise him and is neglectful, to put it mildly. I care for them so much and am so super proud of each one of them for graduating in just four years, which takes a lot of work when you don't have any guidance at home and don't speak the county's language. They are all starting college in the Fall! Each one of them have risen up out of their circumstances and are making a life for themselves!

The three of them put some money together to surprise me with a beautiful plack to thank me for all I did for them during the past four years.

Of course I don't teach to get those kind of things but I can't even express how meaningful that gift was to me. When they gave it to me all four of us cried.

I wouldn't trade my profession for the world. I get to make little impacts on lives of teenagers that, I believe, shape their futures. That's a pretty good job to me!

So here is to hard work that pays off and long summers to recover and plan for another great year of teaching.

London and Spring time

London in April is magical. The sky is blue and its 75 degrees everyday and we biked everywhere. I am told it is not always so beautiful and it is very unusual to be sunny and rain free for 9 days straight. But it did happen and I was so thankful to be a part of that unusual London April. London was refreshing for so many reasons. It was a breath of fresh air to just be with good friends and actually relax and have good company. The flight there was epic.... it was five hours later than scheduled time but Jen hung out with me for a few of those hours and we saw Cameron Diaz so it was SO worth it. I rocked jet lag! I had a solid system (fan/white noise music on my iphone, a neck pillow, and an eye mask) and slept the entire flight!! So I was on London's time zone right away and we didn't wast a second. We saw so much and explored so much and just got to catch up on life.

This picture above is of us going to London's secret cinema. It was a 50s theme night and so we dressed up for it. Turns out the cinema was closed that night and the show we were suppose to see got canceled so we just hung out in London in our sweet outfits. We took a ton of pictures because all our other pictures are us being sweaty and dirty with bike helmet hair and chap stick, if you're lucky.

Turns out I love London! The neighborhoods are so beautiful and the people are really nice, at least for a big city.

So, it is the Spring and I am now working on getting myself together to have a fun summer. I am going to work/study for my National Certification for teaching this summer and focus on having FUN! So if you want to have fun with me let me know! I'm on it.

My first 3D movie

Writing and change and questions

I don't know why I like writing so much. I am such a thinker, others may call it an obsessor but for now I'll go with a thinker. Writing it all out helps me to figure out the mile-an-hour thoughts and spin in my head.

So, I am coming up on 7 years of living in NYC! I really can't believe it's about to be 7 years since I graduated from college and sent resumes to Suriname, NYC, Baltimore, San Francisco, The Caribbean, Boston, and I think even Philadelphia. Maybe I wasn't so scared of change back then or maybe I just hadn't realized how so many things change because of one decision. Now I get it and now I have a hard time with things changing so much.

I can be "content" in just about any situation, which is why it's so hard for me to allow change. I can convince myself that I can do anything and that where I am and what I'm doing is the best or at least OK. It is a strength of mine but also causes some challenges.

I've discovered that changes and decisions do not have to mean giving up, it really can just mean a reshape.

So this change/reshape is a mystery right now. I feel like it's coming and I don't know if it means moving away or just a fresh start in a new neighborhood or finding my happiness again or just Spring and warm weather. Whatever it is.... I welcome it.

My newest thing is learning how to be alone. Turns out I've never done it. I've never seen a movie, gone on a trip, went out to eat, and probably a lot of other things on my own. People say it's not that bad; well.... whatever dudes.... I much prefer to be with people!

Since the day I was born Jen was by my side and we did everything and I mean everything together. (Yes, funny things happened when we lived in Chester and only had one toilet. When we had to run inside to pee and then race back outside to play we would NOT waste time for one at a time; of course two little butts could fit on the toilet at the same time)

Linds told me once that I am one of the most social people she knows. I really didn't know I was especially social. I really thought most people would, of course, prefer to spend as much time with people than without. Turns out not all people need as much people time as me. (right again linds... since we were teenagers her feelings have always been right)

Even though I love the people time, I am trying (we'll see how long it lasts) to do a few things on my own. Rebecca is really good with doing things on her own and she is my mentor.

Last weekend Bec and I babysat Maiya and Haven. On Saturday night Bec was reading a bed time story to them called Friendship. The first line said, "somedays you are alone, and that's ok. Other days you are with your friends and that is ok too." So Bec called me over so I could learn from the book too! It was a good family reading night!

I don't have any crazy just JK around-the-world trips but I might try to something just on my own. I can hear all my friends with kids calling out "I would die for some alone time". Well, people... believe me uninvited alone time is not as awesome as you may think. Here comes that "grass is always greener" thing people say at time like this.

So as I learn more about myself I'll share. For now I've learned that I LOVE people and I am trying to like doing some things on my own.

Spring forward

I want to spring ahead more than just an hour tonight. I'm not sure if I want to spring right to the life I imaged for myself or just a few months ahead but I want to fast forward. I use to be happy and content and enjoyed the present but I am having a hard time with it these days.

29 is a hard year. It's hard because I am thinking about what I want for my life and having to make choices to get it, cause what I want didn't naturally happen.

Winter is almost over and although all three of my plants didn't make it...... I did and that's impressive on so many levels.

Music

I have been listening to a lot of music lately. It's been so fun and I feel like I am reconnecting to a very important part of me I had in B.C. (before Charlie).

B.C. was when I would go out dancing till all hours of the night and I had a million friends and listened to really loud music and laughed more than I cried. As Zach from rage would say "it's time to take the power back" and I am. I made a mix the other day called "is the winter over yet" and it features some really great songs, "Everybody learns from disaster", "After the storm", "blame it on the changes", "mean" and many more. So thanks Simon and Garfunkel, Mumford and Sons, Dashboard confessionals, and all you talented singers/songwriters out there. Music makes life just a little more manageable. And winter really is almost over now! I'm more thankful than ever.

I worked on my presentation/class that I am teaching in March at national conference out in Portland, Oregon all afternoon. I'm pretty happy with it. I still have a bunch of work to do with it but it's coming along. One of my dreams is to teach teachers how to be awesome teachers, which is why I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

Now I am on February break and I'm so happy to be getting my life back on the track I want it to be on. I am not going to let life happen to me. I am going to choose the life I want to live. Maybe that should be my new years resolution, I didn't write one this year.... but it's never too late.

Moving on and hopefully moving forward

As Ben Taylor would say "I'll be fine without you" or as Ingrid Michealson might sing, "Its time to give up on you" Jes Kruse just says, "it's done and you might live across the street and work at my job and even go to my gym but I'm in the anger stage and so it's really done"

Turns out the anger stage is so much more fun than the sad stage.

I have always had a hard time with the emotion of anger. I associate it with rage and bad things. Turns out anger is a healthy emotion and letting myself live in this stage for right now isn't bad or scary. During my sad stage after my relationship ended, I remembered all the fun times and the good times.... stuff that made me cry, daily. I have welcomed in this new stage and I think it might even save me some money in my tissue budget. I feel angry for many reasons. Things I won't post for public viewing but just trust me.... I have reasons.

I have a pretty good track record for choosing amazing and healthy people to share life with. Mistakes happen and lessons are learned.

Now I am just like........ now what?? Do I stay in NY? Do I start new? Do I move closer to friends and family? Who I can I beg to move back to NYC? Where is my focus and what am I doing?

Age does matter. When I was 25 and single I was just living life, no pressure. 29 and single is a whole new story. I hear everyone saying "jes, 29 is NOT old" and I totally agree, I just thought my life would be a little different by this age. Being 29 for New Yorkers is like being 16 in Delaware. People don't even think about growing up yet; but I am part Delawarean and part New Yorker. So it does matter to me.

Last Fall Jen and I took H&M to this Halloween festival for kids at the park near my house. There were so many parents with toddlers AND gray hair. Jen said, "are they the parents or grandparents" Come on NY...... that is a little much... even for you as a New Yorker.

So, this is where I'm at. Might as well accept it and figure it out.

Winter

It has been snowing like Buffalo or Alaska or somewhere even worse. It is so cold and the amount of snow is unbelievable for NYC. My car was completely covered last week. It was covered because it snowed 18 inches but also because the sidewalk and street plows piled even more onto my little car. The weather kinda reminds me of my life right now. Cold and overwhelming.My sister Jen sent me a song by Mumford and Sons called 'After the Storm' and I am holding onto the lyrics that say "one day love will no longer break your heart".

I believe humans are such resilient creatures. Moments when I feel like I have accessed every bit of energy from within there is always more. There is just something bigger than me giving me what I need to continue life. There are things that give me energy and I am thankful for that. I love my Wednesday night meditation classes, long runs through the snow on Saturdays, new friends at this Church I started going to, and my faithful friends and family that keep picking me up and carrying me.

So I love this picture at the top of my post for so many reasons. I love that even though there is so much snow and its so cold, there is the sun. There is warmth and there is light. Maybe no matter how dark and cold it seems there is always a chance for the sun to shine in.