Post Partum

I love my birthing story. I have never felt so alive, I have never felt so productive or so alive. I fell in love with Ryan more than I imaged possible in those millions of hours.  I have never worked so hard for something, but the reward is indescribable. Bennett.
Ryan and I were so connected and honestly the experience was cool.  Also, I had an off-the-charts team.  It was hard, like really hard, but I would say overall it was incredible. Transition was wild, the cab ride at 8 cm was uncomfortable, finding strength to push- after hours of labor and not sleeping for 48 hours, was something inside of me that I’ve never tapped before. It’s literally another world, labor and delivery.

I'm proud of my body and what it's managed to do in the last 11 months. Growing my son, birthing him, and now recovering from it all. Recovery has been a really hard stage for me and I think because it's so unknown.

 I believe labor went so well because I prepared for it, I knew the stages of labor, I knew it was a natural process and my body was built to do it. I was at peace for those hours, even though my baby was posterior and I had all back labor, I found peace (for most of it). I worked hard but my body knew how to work and breath and be present. 

 So, a weeks ago, I was laying in bed talking to Ryan. Reminding him that I am still bleeding, that our baby is almost six weeks old and I still have cramps. Reminding him I had to have two blood transfusions after I gave birth and a surgery the previous Friday to remove placenta.  That I had a UTI for the first time and also a blood clot that had us hurry to the ER a few weeks back. That my nipple vasaspasm is feeling better and good news: I don't cry anymore from pain when I nurse. And I have a bagillion stitches; because....... hello - have you seen the size of my baby's head.

Also, I HATE BLOOD! I have a history of fainting when it comes to blood, so come ON - why ALL the blood experiences.

I told Ryan I am scared because I still am not feeling strong and my body feels like it's been through so much physically and then also, I have a newborn.  (I was in labor unmedicated for 20 some hours and then pushed my 8 pound 13 ounce child for 5 hours).  

Ryan loves me so much. He looked at me and said, "it's like boxing, we don't know what the match will be like, but you just have to get in the ring and swing." You can't prepare for what you don't know will come, you just fight hard. (Side note: I scored a solid husband. He really is something.)

Ryan and I don't have a lot of eye-to-eye-impart-wisdom-to-each-other moments.  But we had one, and he's right. We fight for what we want.  We don't let the unexpected win.
It's very easy for me to sit in fear and "prepare" for all the things that could happen.  I am REALLY good at thinking up the worst case scenarios and then how those situations could get even worse. I have a very creative mind. 

Is this the post postpartum I had thought it would be? Capital "N" and capital "O". But it's my story. Its my experience. Maybe there's a reason, maybe not, I will probably never  know. (Although Ryan thinks it's possible that I have been given a chance to face my fears head on and deal with my fear of blood and fear of the unknown).  What I do know is I am going to be present. I am going to choose to belong to my story and stand in it. It's scary because it is unknown. I have always been able to rely on my body to do what I want it to do. I have never been this vulnerable. I can hear all my Mom friends and sisters saying, "welcome to parenthood."

Joseph Campbell wrote, "if you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path."

So cheers to the adventure of the unknown and finding the strength we have inside of us that can be tapped for wherever our path leads us.

How much love

Does my teeny tiny son know how loved he is? Does he know he has a billion little cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great grandparents that have sent him gifts and love before he has even entered this world?

Does he know his Mom cries sometimes from pure joy from the gift he is to us already, just being him. Does he know his Dad built his nursery and loves him fiercely, a love that will only intensify once they meet outside of my body.

My family is more than I could have every envisioned.
I really like our story.
I like our path.
I like how we do life.

It's been a little wild lately, I got gestational diabetes, which means I am taking my blood four times a day and had a few minor melt downs. I fractured my ribs and my back hurts like no other. Ryan is wrapping up his term and had been working 5am-11pm days.  We are about to exhale. He finished his term this past week, my ribs should be healing soon, and I am learning where to get blood from so I get enough (and don't have to stick myself more than once at a time) but not too much that it keeps bleeding.

And then there is community. There are people who came to our apartment on Saturday and celebrated our son's life at our baby shower.  Friends and family who send love, gifts, support,

kindness, and showed up. People who called and texted cause they couldn't make it but wanted us to know, they love our family and want to support us as new parents. There are people who have been on the journey with me since my childhood and it meant everything to have them celebrate with us.

Community helps us realize that there is more than what we see today, there is a bigger picture. We see the many: first-time-parents, and they are still standing.  For all that can go wrong in life, we've all been there; sometimes it goes right.
When I goes right, it's a miracle, it's a gift. It's humbling and proof that life continues and pushes us out of dark days into the light. These days are my light, these days are my sun.

I couldn't have ask for more in this little life of mine. My husband, my son, my puppy, my family, and my dear friends- I appreciate you more than words can express.  Your support is everything.

Parents-to-be

Ryan and I are expecting our son in August. I found this picture, taken a few years back. It was when we were waiting for the right light to finish up our engagement shoot. I think the looks on our faces here capture how are are feeling now about becoming parents, as we are just about four months out.

We are also thrilled and know we are blessed for being pregnant; honored to be chosen to be our son's parents.  But of course also feeling the "OH - We have another human moving in to our apartment and lives, really soon!!" This is an all hands on deck situation!
We felt the little guy move last week and that was the bomb dot com.
We are pretty sure he is all feet, Ryan wears a size 14 in men and I wear a size 10.5 in women. We also think he will be blond because Ryan and I were both blond kids. But he may surprise us and be a small-footed and dark hair kid, it's all still a mystery.
Ryan is doing amazing work on his nursery. It is SO cool! I just picked out and ordered the crib and changing table, the theme, paint, colors, and layout was all Ryan.  He is so creative and I love how it is turning out.
We are in birthing classes now too and we're learning about a method to birth this baby but also learning new ways to communicate with each other and better understand how we both work. It's pretty rad. 
Things have changed in the past 5.5 months, they have. I was never a huge fan of change, but honestly I have learned that change can bring better things. Change can kick good in the ass and bring in the best. Change can lead to a life I never could have even imaged.
These past five and half months I have learned so much more about Ryan and his incredible amounts of patience and love for our family and there is not one else on this planet I would rather have a baby with.
I fell on the ice about a month ago, hit my head, and had to go to the ER. It was the day after a blizzard and I wore the wrong shoes and it was super slippery.  Those 12 minutes in a taxi to the hospital and 5 minutes it took to sign in and hook me up (they move FAST when you are with child) were the longest moments of my life. I just wanted to hear the little guy's heartbeat, I just wanted to know that he was ok. That my fall didn't hurt him. We are both fine. Ryan met me at the hospital and we just sat there, thankful. 
I have never cried more often than I do now. Sometimes I think it dehydrates me.
I have always been a crier, I'm a very emotional girl, but pregnancy has definitely amplified that.  But now at least I get away with it because I am pregnant.
I can say, now, I like being pregnant. Now, at week 22, I don't mind it. Trimester one was total gong! I was so sick and didn't look pregnant so no one offered their seat on the subway (since then I have learned- I just unzip my thick winter jacket, rub my stomach, and look desperate, and more often than not - I have gotten a seat!). But oh those trimester one days, rough.

I am thankful for the path my life has taken. I am thrilled to be this little boy's Mom.  He is a very lucky kid that he gets Ryan as a Dad. It's so cool that Ryan and I found each other in this great big world and that we are bringing a little tiny (but big footed) baby into this world.

We see you

Good morning elementary, middle, and high school students.

We see you.

Immigrants, illegal and legal.

We see you.

Boys and girls.

We see you.

Our country stood up last night and gave the middle finger to the systems. A sort of rebellion that deeply hurt many of you.

Some of you risked your little lives to make it here, to get educated here, to make a great life for yourself.

We see you. We love you. We support you.

 

I'm sorry, you feel fear now. I'm sorry our country has disappointed you. 

You told me you are still waiting on your green card, that you don't want to have to leave America.

We see you.

You are building a beautiful future for yourselves.  This is a chance to learn more about honoring a leader who does not appear to understand your life.

We will teach you how to stand up for yourself and speak out about equality, compassion, and love.  Your sense of self-efficacy will grow through this experience. You will rise.

We see you.

We want to give you the future you deserve.
Every child deserves safety. 

We will work hard to rebuild faith, hope, and peace here in America.  A place built on safety, a place built for people needing asylum. A place where diversity has made us who we are.

One election can not and will not change who I am and everything my country stands for. I will stand with you. 

Good morning America, we are still strong and through this, we will become stronger.
We are diverse. We will learn how to live together in peace and strengthen each other through this.

We are all a bunch of immigrants looking for freedom and safety. That's what it means to be American, it still does.

We will ask good questions, learn respect in the face of agonizing pain, and remember we are all human. We will give each other a chance. We all have our story.  We are all doing the best we can for ourselves and our family.

We see you.

crutches are only part of the needed support

Ryan and I spent the last twelve months focusing on us. Just hanging out and dating and raising a puppy. It's been super fun. And...... now back to one full time job, come September for me and Ryan started advertising/art director school last month while also keeping his personal training job.  We will start to manage our work lives, Callie, Ryan's school schedule, and dating.

I have always loved having a schedule and knowing what's coming and being able to plan. This past year has been so full of unexpected adventures and I'm so incredibly thankful for them! Also accepting the not so pleasant surprises and really letting myself remember that I have grace for today, just today. The most resent surprise was when my doctor told me I needed hip surgery.

I'm now two weeks out and let-me-tell-you, rehab is no joke. I am incredibly blessed with good health, I'm sure it's partly because I was raised by hippies and the food and nutritional supplements I was given are words I don't even know how to spell but were foods that made me strong. Not having my health and functionality has been a stretch for my soul and mental well being.

(oh and....Surgery went awesome, my surgeon was able to totally repair the damage I did to my hip from running and I am told in about 3-5 months I will be cleared to start running again!!!)

I have been doing some work on overcoming some of my fears. Facing them head on and having hope, a vision for what I want.  I am reading, The gifts of imperfection, and the author defines hope as:

The combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to peruse them, and believing in our abilities.

One of my biggest fears and places where I am the weakest is at a doctors office and/or anything to do with blood. (I fainted when I was 6 when I got my ears pierced, a million more times since then, and also years ago when my Dad had to have surgery and in the pre-op room his doctors said, "blood transfusion" and I passed out. Yep, out cold on the floor. Mind you, they only SAID blood transfusion, there wasn't even any blood to see and I fainted.) 

So, I decided to have hope. Hope that it would go well and that I wouldn't pass out. I was told if I pass out on surgery day, they can't do the surgery. So there's pressure and I also don't do well with pressure, it makes me feel trapped and no one likes feeling trapped. (don't go down that spiral Jes....)

To sum up, I created goals for surgery day, created a calming music list, and gave Ryan and my sister Bec specific instructions about what the doctor could and couldn't say in the pre-op room. I don't remember a lot at the hospital, but I do remember Rebecca saying, "no, I'm sorry, that's not something my sister needs to hear".  Let me say, I had the most positive experience possible! NYU hospital is a dream center. I was treated SO well and the nurses and my doctors were so kind and so flexible. They made so many adjustments to ensure I was comfortable and not once did I even get light headed! 

This was my mountain. Medical stuff is my kryptonite. I am working hard for it not to have so much control over me and this is one success for me! Rebecca said that after I came out of anesthesia I told them like ten time, "I'm so proud of myself, I'm so brave, right?!"  

Ryan said I also asked him like five times to show me my legs because I couldn't feel them and he kept holding them up for me, I don't remember any of this. 

So, recovery. Being on crutches is hard, not being able to do anything that takes two hands, bending down, or moving a hip is kinda nuts too. I am so in love with Ryan and because he's so awesome I want to be the best kinda side kick I can be. He exemplifies so many key traits in building a strong partnership and I learn so much about how to do life together in a kind and loving way from him. But for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to contribute much at all. I can't put into words how he has taken on full time school with such vigor and drive while still managing his job. Then I come out of surgery and he spent hours and hours making me food, getting me a shower,  dressed, and remembering my medications. 

Here's us all, late one night, recovering together!

Callie's been sweet. She just lays with me sometimes, snuggles in and rests. Other times she freaks out and rips everything apart in the house and I'm home alone so I just let it happen and then there's

more mess to clean up. But this period of time is not about a clean house, or organization, or getting things done.  It's about recovery. I have literally spent the last fourteen days in bed or on the couch reading or watching the Olympics. Never in my life have I been so still. So sedentary.  It's necessary for my body and good for my soul.  Fourteen more days to go!

We all have fears.  I think we can all pat
 ourselves on the back when we're brave. Not measuring the "amount" of bravery but just letting ourselves feel good when we step out of our comfort zone, choose to face our fears, and hold on to the hope that we are creatures that can always change and grow. Not allowing our fears to define us, but letting our hopes and dreams drive us to become the people we want to be. I'm trying to take life a little less seriously and spend more time laughing and being present. Who knows what my witty husband said right before he snapped this picture, but as always, it cracked me up.

Random thoughts on year one

Year one

I have a lot of feelings about marriage. I always have. Very intense feelings about it, before I married.  I don’t necessarily connect with being a wife or in a marriage as much as I connect with living life forever with Ryan.  It being "us".

There are times that I stop and think, “goodness, how is this my life”. How did enough little miracles happen in this great big world that Ryan and I got to meet.  That I got the privilege to live life with this gem.

I was walking in Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with a good friend of over ten years.  He was asking how our first year of marriage was going and how he can’t believe that it is almost a year. My friend and I have been around for each other through our past ten years of living and dating in NYC. We both have had our hearts broken to pieces by NYC men. We’ve dreamed about our futures, learned contentment, and explored the dating world.  My first response was simple, “it’s really awesome having one person always looking out for you.” It just is. It’s simple and I was ready for a simple kinda life. (Just like Gwen Stefani in 1998)

There’s amazing friends and family, I have both. Two of my best friends offered to turn their back shed into an apartment when a boyfriend of three years broke up with me. That’s kind on so many levels. My family has always invited me to holidays and never made me feel like an outlier because I was the only single one.  I have amazing people in my life, I always have. I’m thankful.

But having a life partner is different. At this point in my life, I am ready. It isn’t a task, it’s a blessing.
  

 Ryan and I talk about if we met in our twenties. We laugh about how we might not have dated. We talk about all the people we did date and it’s fun to learn about each other. The other types of people that held special places in our hearts, but ended. Ended because there was better for both of us. This kind of better:

My Dad loves giving advice and one thing he told me when I was dating someone and figuring out if I should stay with them or not, he said, “can you picture yourself happier.” The answer was always yes before Ryan. I always made a little (and sometimes huge) compromise about the people I dated. Until Ryan.

Deep in my heart I was always happy, I enjoyed life and had people surround me who I deeply valued. But I also was a tiny bit jealous of people who weren’t going through their 20s single/dating/searching/broken hearted and earning the label of someone’s ex-girlfriend.

But now, I’m super thankful for those years. It’s truly amazing to now look back and realize how much I learned about myself, grew into the person who was meant to match with Ryan, and I gained a deep understanding about the types of people that make up this world.  It helped me realize what a jackpot of a guy I got when I found Ryan. (Just FYI - there are some real losers/challenging people out there, not naming names, just saying).

Now we have both come home. We found a home in each other. It’s the start of our journey and I wouldn’t trade this past year for anything. I get so excited when he comes home and I love sharing our home, our lives, our futures, and our fears together. It’s intensely vulnerable but worth more than anything I ever thought I would have as my own. It's been one year and I count my blessings.

The diary of a busted athlete

 I've been off running since February. I have an injury.It's been more difficult than I initially imagined. 

Running and I have had a relationship for years and years and then some more years.  Running has helped me through some really hard times and it has also been parts of some favorite moments.  Running has been my lifeline.

I'm a runner.

Until I'm told.... I'm not.

February

I visited my sports medicine doctor. I have an injury. But sometimes I accept information as if I have the mind of a teenager, and still think I am invincible.  (Hey..... 34-year-old-jes, you're not!).

I had to get an MRI, I thought I was going to die a little. I hate small spaces. The tech was super kind and talked me through it. It was a victory for me that I didn't have to have him pull me out in the middle.

I have a rip in my hip labral and I have been told that I have an injury that will never heal on its own.  The part about it never healing on it's own its the hardest, it's hard because I am extremely dedicated to my passions and if I would do whatever I could to help it mend, but I can't.

March
 I was referred to an ortho and I cried really hard in his office when he said there is a possibility I might not run again.  He said a few things like, "if you don't stop running you'll need a hip replacement". He works with athletes and knows we don't stop when pain occurs, he was helping me realize I HAD to stop and not power through the pain.
I tried to listen to his kind words. Then he said I had to get a cortisone shot into my hip. (It's a miracle I didn't faint when he said that, a real miracle for JK and I started paying attention to what  he was saying).

The shot..... I did not do well. 
I didn't faint. I breathed deep, real focus! I kept myself up off the floor!
Ryan got like eight hysterical phone calls while I was in the waiting room. I told him I could go on my own so he didn't have to take work off. I think I thought I could be tougher than I actually am at the doctors.

I guess I should be embarrassed. But I'm not. We all have our strengths. Medical stuff is not my strong point.  It never has been.

Ryan's  made a recommendation that I remake my athletic self. The thing about me is, I don't often remake myself. I love consistency and routines and being confident in what I do.

Finding a new sport means vulnerability, risks, and the possibility of not loving it. I don't have a relationship with any other sport. I'm a runner. It's been a part of my identity.

April

I'm working in physical therapy three days a week going through a routine that takes about two hours to get the muscles around my injury stronger. I'm working hard. I take physical therapy seriously! I tried really hard not to cry at my first appointment, I did. But not that much.

My Physical therapy office is full of busted athletes. A woman wore her marathon t-shirt to pt, limping in, showed up to get stronger. To beat the injury and get back on the road. My therapist is incredible. So kind and encouraging. I've actually enjoyed the hours and hours I've spent at the office.

I'm considering swimming but it's indoors (and outdoor open water swimming is NOT for me..... When I did my triathlon in open waters....... I hated it). I took an aqua boot camp class, it was ok. I think swimming is such a beautiful sport. It's actually my favorite Olympic sport to watch.  I have been spending more and more time working on my swim technique. I'm also a biker but biking is a way to commute, to get around. It doesn't give back the way  running does. There's spinning classes and honestly the dark room and loud music and so many bodies covered in so much sweat all in a tiny room, not my fave.

Fitness classes are so trendy and there's a billion options in NYC for classes, I'm lucky. But I'll restate Bono's words, " I still haven't found what I'm looking for".

Early May
There's hope to run again, pain free. I am PAIN FREE!!!! I am thrilled and happy and my PT is really happy for me too and all the progress I made.

My ortho has cleared me for a run!

My ortho is very kind and has recently given me hope that if I am willing to decrease my running and continue to increase my therapy, I am cleared to do a run! To try it, to see what happens. He told me that on Tuesday, I haven't tried yet. I have worked SO hard to stabilize my injury, I'm nervous!
  My sports medicine Dr. has created a two week run/jog plan to get back on the road. I AM thrilled!
 
Late May
Week one of the "back to running" plan. My hip hurts. The torn hip is not strong enough. I limp back home, defeated and bummed.

Now it's surgery talk. My ortho is the best and his schedule is full until September. I am hoping for an appointment for the surgery now. 

Swimming has been pretty great lately. I have been enjoying my time in the water. 

Having this injury had made me so thankful for my health over the years.
Running Is irreplaceable, but we're on a break right now, figuring out if this relationship should continue, if it's healthy, if it works.  

Early June
I have a surgery date, it's August 3 and I have one of the best doctor for the surgery. It's an outpatient procedure and the recovery on crutches is 3-4 weeks and then 3-4 months of PT. 
And then this athlete will be back!
It's a journey. 
I'm learning a lot about limitations, expectations, and having grace for myself.   

Late June 
I'm about five weeks out from surgery. I'm a little nervous but also excited to not be in pain all the time. I'm so excited to run again and take high intensity classes!
The insurance talk is stressful. 
Planning who pays and how much I owe is complicated and makes me a little nervous.