crutches are only part of the needed support

Ryan and I spent the last twelve months focusing on us. Just hanging out and dating and raising a puppy. It's been super fun. And...... now back to one full time job, come September for me and Ryan started advertising/art director school last month while also keeping his personal training job.  We will start to manage our work lives, Callie, Ryan's school schedule, and dating.

I have always loved having a schedule and knowing what's coming and being able to plan. This past year has been so full of unexpected adventures and I'm so incredibly thankful for them! Also accepting the not so pleasant surprises and really letting myself remember that I have grace for today, just today. The most resent surprise was when my doctor told me I needed hip surgery.

I'm now two weeks out and let-me-tell-you, rehab is no joke. I am incredibly blessed with good health, I'm sure it's partly because I was raised by hippies and the food and nutritional supplements I was given are words I don't even know how to spell but were foods that made me strong. Not having my health and functionality has been a stretch for my soul and mental well being.

(oh and....Surgery went awesome, my surgeon was able to totally repair the damage I did to my hip from running and I am told in about 3-5 months I will be cleared to start running again!!!)

I have been doing some work on overcoming some of my fears. Facing them head on and having hope, a vision for what I want.  I am reading, The gifts of imperfection, and the author defines hope as:

The combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to peruse them, and believing in our abilities.

One of my biggest fears and places where I am the weakest is at a doctors office and/or anything to do with blood. (I fainted when I was 6 when I got my ears pierced, a million more times since then, and also years ago when my Dad had to have surgery and in the pre-op room his doctors said, "blood transfusion" and I passed out. Yep, out cold on the floor. Mind you, they only SAID blood transfusion, there wasn't even any blood to see and I fainted.) 

So, I decided to have hope. Hope that it would go well and that I wouldn't pass out. I was told if I pass out on surgery day, they can't do the surgery. So there's pressure and I also don't do well with pressure, it makes me feel trapped and no one likes feeling trapped. (don't go down that spiral Jes....)

To sum up, I created goals for surgery day, created a calming music list, and gave Ryan and my sister Bec specific instructions about what the doctor could and couldn't say in the pre-op room. I don't remember a lot at the hospital, but I do remember Rebecca saying, "no, I'm sorry, that's not something my sister needs to hear".  Let me say, I had the most positive experience possible! NYU hospital is a dream center. I was treated SO well and the nurses and my doctors were so kind and so flexible. They made so many adjustments to ensure I was comfortable and not once did I even get light headed! 

This was my mountain. Medical stuff is my kryptonite. I am working hard for it not to have so much control over me and this is one success for me! Rebecca said that after I came out of anesthesia I told them like ten time, "I'm so proud of myself, I'm so brave, right?!"  

Ryan said I also asked him like five times to show me my legs because I couldn't feel them and he kept holding them up for me, I don't remember any of this. 

So, recovery. Being on crutches is hard, not being able to do anything that takes two hands, bending down, or moving a hip is kinda nuts too. I am so in love with Ryan and because he's so awesome I want to be the best kinda side kick I can be. He exemplifies so many key traits in building a strong partnership and I learn so much about how to do life together in a kind and loving way from him. But for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to contribute much at all. I can't put into words how he has taken on full time school with such vigor and drive while still managing his job. Then I come out of surgery and he spent hours and hours making me food, getting me a shower,  dressed, and remembering my medications. 

Here's us all, late one night, recovering together!

Callie's been sweet. She just lays with me sometimes, snuggles in and rests. Other times she freaks out and rips everything apart in the house and I'm home alone so I just let it happen and then there's

more mess to clean up. But this period of time is not about a clean house, or organization, or getting things done.  It's about recovery. I have literally spent the last fourteen days in bed or on the couch reading or watching the Olympics. Never in my life have I been so still. So sedentary.  It's necessary for my body and good for my soul.  Fourteen more days to go!

We all have fears.  I think we can all pat
 ourselves on the back when we're brave. Not measuring the "amount" of bravery but just letting ourselves feel good when we step out of our comfort zone, choose to face our fears, and hold on to the hope that we are creatures that can always change and grow. Not allowing our fears to define us, but letting our hopes and dreams drive us to become the people we want to be. I'm trying to take life a little less seriously and spend more time laughing and being present. Who knows what my witty husband said right before he snapped this picture, but as always, it cracked me up.