We see you

Good morning elementary, middle, and high school students.

We see you.

Immigrants, illegal and legal.

We see you.

Boys and girls.

We see you.

Our country stood up last night and gave the middle finger to the systems. A sort of rebellion that deeply hurt many of you.

Some of you risked your little lives to make it here, to get educated here, to make a great life for yourself.

We see you. We love you. We support you.

 

I'm sorry, you feel fear now. I'm sorry our country has disappointed you. 

You told me you are still waiting on your green card, that you don't want to have to leave America.

We see you.

You are building a beautiful future for yourselves.  This is a chance to learn more about honoring a leader who does not appear to understand your life.

We will teach you how to stand up for yourself and speak out about equality, compassion, and love.  Your sense of self-efficacy will grow through this experience. You will rise.

We see you.

We want to give you the future you deserve.
Every child deserves safety. 

We will work hard to rebuild faith, hope, and peace here in America.  A place built on safety, a place built for people needing asylum. A place where diversity has made us who we are.

One election can not and will not change who I am and everything my country stands for. I will stand with you. 

Good morning America, we are still strong and through this, we will become stronger.
We are diverse. We will learn how to live together in peace and strengthen each other through this.

We are all a bunch of immigrants looking for freedom and safety. That's what it means to be American, it still does.

We will ask good questions, learn respect in the face of agonizing pain, and remember we are all human. We will give each other a chance. We all have our story.  We are all doing the best we can for ourselves and our family.

We see you.

crutches are only part of the needed support

Ryan and I spent the last twelve months focusing on us. Just hanging out and dating and raising a puppy. It's been super fun. And...... now back to one full time job, come September for me and Ryan started advertising/art director school last month while also keeping his personal training job.  We will start to manage our work lives, Callie, Ryan's school schedule, and dating.

I have always loved having a schedule and knowing what's coming and being able to plan. This past year has been so full of unexpected adventures and I'm so incredibly thankful for them! Also accepting the not so pleasant surprises and really letting myself remember that I have grace for today, just today. The most resent surprise was when my doctor told me I needed hip surgery.

I'm now two weeks out and let-me-tell-you, rehab is no joke. I am incredibly blessed with good health, I'm sure it's partly because I was raised by hippies and the food and nutritional supplements I was given are words I don't even know how to spell but were foods that made me strong. Not having my health and functionality has been a stretch for my soul and mental well being.

(oh and....Surgery went awesome, my surgeon was able to totally repair the damage I did to my hip from running and I am told in about 3-5 months I will be cleared to start running again!!!)

I have been doing some work on overcoming some of my fears. Facing them head on and having hope, a vision for what I want.  I am reading, The gifts of imperfection, and the author defines hope as:

The combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to peruse them, and believing in our abilities.

One of my biggest fears and places where I am the weakest is at a doctors office and/or anything to do with blood. (I fainted when I was 6 when I got my ears pierced, a million more times since then, and also years ago when my Dad had to have surgery and in the pre-op room his doctors said, "blood transfusion" and I passed out. Yep, out cold on the floor. Mind you, they only SAID blood transfusion, there wasn't even any blood to see and I fainted.) 

So, I decided to have hope. Hope that it would go well and that I wouldn't pass out. I was told if I pass out on surgery day, they can't do the surgery. So there's pressure and I also don't do well with pressure, it makes me feel trapped and no one likes feeling trapped. (don't go down that spiral Jes....)

To sum up, I created goals for surgery day, created a calming music list, and gave Ryan and my sister Bec specific instructions about what the doctor could and couldn't say in the pre-op room. I don't remember a lot at the hospital, but I do remember Rebecca saying, "no, I'm sorry, that's not something my sister needs to hear".  Let me say, I had the most positive experience possible! NYU hospital is a dream center. I was treated SO well and the nurses and my doctors were so kind and so flexible. They made so many adjustments to ensure I was comfortable and not once did I even get light headed! 

This was my mountain. Medical stuff is my kryptonite. I am working hard for it not to have so much control over me and this is one success for me! Rebecca said that after I came out of anesthesia I told them like ten time, "I'm so proud of myself, I'm so brave, right?!"  

Ryan said I also asked him like five times to show me my legs because I couldn't feel them and he kept holding them up for me, I don't remember any of this. 

So, recovery. Being on crutches is hard, not being able to do anything that takes two hands, bending down, or moving a hip is kinda nuts too. I am so in love with Ryan and because he's so awesome I want to be the best kinda side kick I can be. He exemplifies so many key traits in building a strong partnership and I learn so much about how to do life together in a kind and loving way from him. But for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to contribute much at all. I can't put into words how he has taken on full time school with such vigor and drive while still managing his job. Then I come out of surgery and he spent hours and hours making me food, getting me a shower,  dressed, and remembering my medications. 

Here's us all, late one night, recovering together!

Callie's been sweet. She just lays with me sometimes, snuggles in and rests. Other times she freaks out and rips everything apart in the house and I'm home alone so I just let it happen and then there's

more mess to clean up. But this period of time is not about a clean house, or organization, or getting things done.  It's about recovery. I have literally spent the last fourteen days in bed or on the couch reading or watching the Olympics. Never in my life have I been so still. So sedentary.  It's necessary for my body and good for my soul.  Fourteen more days to go!

We all have fears.  I think we can all pat
 ourselves on the back when we're brave. Not measuring the "amount" of bravery but just letting ourselves feel good when we step out of our comfort zone, choose to face our fears, and hold on to the hope that we are creatures that can always change and grow. Not allowing our fears to define us, but letting our hopes and dreams drive us to become the people we want to be. I'm trying to take life a little less seriously and spend more time laughing and being present. Who knows what my witty husband said right before he snapped this picture, but as always, it cracked me up.

Random thoughts on year one

Year one

I have a lot of feelings about marriage. I always have. Very intense feelings about it, before I married.  I don’t necessarily connect with being a wife or in a marriage as much as I connect with living life forever with Ryan.  It being "us".

There are times that I stop and think, “goodness, how is this my life”. How did enough little miracles happen in this great big world that Ryan and I got to meet.  That I got the privilege to live life with this gem.

I was walking in Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with a good friend of over ten years.  He was asking how our first year of marriage was going and how he can’t believe that it is almost a year. My friend and I have been around for each other through our past ten years of living and dating in NYC. We both have had our hearts broken to pieces by NYC men. We’ve dreamed about our futures, learned contentment, and explored the dating world.  My first response was simple, “it’s really awesome having one person always looking out for you.” It just is. It’s simple and I was ready for a simple kinda life. (Just like Gwen Stefani in 1998)

There’s amazing friends and family, I have both. Two of my best friends offered to turn their back shed into an apartment when a boyfriend of three years broke up with me. That’s kind on so many levels. My family has always invited me to holidays and never made me feel like an outlier because I was the only single one.  I have amazing people in my life, I always have. I’m thankful.

But having a life partner is different. At this point in my life, I am ready. It isn’t a task, it’s a blessing.
  

 Ryan and I talk about if we met in our twenties. We laugh about how we might not have dated. We talk about all the people we did date and it’s fun to learn about each other. The other types of people that held special places in our hearts, but ended. Ended because there was better for both of us. This kind of better:

My Dad loves giving advice and one thing he told me when I was dating someone and figuring out if I should stay with them or not, he said, “can you picture yourself happier.” The answer was always yes before Ryan. I always made a little (and sometimes huge) compromise about the people I dated. Until Ryan.

Deep in my heart I was always happy, I enjoyed life and had people surround me who I deeply valued. But I also was a tiny bit jealous of people who weren’t going through their 20s single/dating/searching/broken hearted and earning the label of someone’s ex-girlfriend.

But now, I’m super thankful for those years. It’s truly amazing to now look back and realize how much I learned about myself, grew into the person who was meant to match with Ryan, and I gained a deep understanding about the types of people that make up this world.  It helped me realize what a jackpot of a guy I got when I found Ryan. (Just FYI - there are some real losers/challenging people out there, not naming names, just saying).

Now we have both come home. We found a home in each other. It’s the start of our journey and I wouldn’t trade this past year for anything. I get so excited when he comes home and I love sharing our home, our lives, our futures, and our fears together. It’s intensely vulnerable but worth more than anything I ever thought I would have as my own. It's been one year and I count my blessings.

The diary of a busted athlete

 I've been off running since February. I have an injury.It's been more difficult than I initially imagined. 

Running and I have had a relationship for years and years and then some more years.  Running has helped me through some really hard times and it has also been parts of some favorite moments.  Running has been my lifeline.

I'm a runner.

Until I'm told.... I'm not.

February

I visited my sports medicine doctor. I have an injury. But sometimes I accept information as if I have the mind of a teenager, and still think I am invincible.  (Hey..... 34-year-old-jes, you're not!).

I had to get an MRI, I thought I was going to die a little. I hate small spaces. The tech was super kind and talked me through it. It was a victory for me that I didn't have to have him pull me out in the middle.

I have a rip in my hip labral and I have been told that I have an injury that will never heal on its own.  The part about it never healing on it's own its the hardest, it's hard because I am extremely dedicated to my passions and if I would do whatever I could to help it mend, but I can't.

March
 I was referred to an ortho and I cried really hard in his office when he said there is a possibility I might not run again.  He said a few things like, "if you don't stop running you'll need a hip replacement". He works with athletes and knows we don't stop when pain occurs, he was helping me realize I HAD to stop and not power through the pain.
I tried to listen to his kind words. Then he said I had to get a cortisone shot into my hip. (It's a miracle I didn't faint when he said that, a real miracle for JK and I started paying attention to what  he was saying).

The shot..... I did not do well. 
I didn't faint. I breathed deep, real focus! I kept myself up off the floor!
Ryan got like eight hysterical phone calls while I was in the waiting room. I told him I could go on my own so he didn't have to take work off. I think I thought I could be tougher than I actually am at the doctors.

I guess I should be embarrassed. But I'm not. We all have our strengths. Medical stuff is not my strong point.  It never has been.

Ryan's  made a recommendation that I remake my athletic self. The thing about me is, I don't often remake myself. I love consistency and routines and being confident in what I do.

Finding a new sport means vulnerability, risks, and the possibility of not loving it. I don't have a relationship with any other sport. I'm a runner. It's been a part of my identity.

April

I'm working in physical therapy three days a week going through a routine that takes about two hours to get the muscles around my injury stronger. I'm working hard. I take physical therapy seriously! I tried really hard not to cry at my first appointment, I did. But not that much.

My Physical therapy office is full of busted athletes. A woman wore her marathon t-shirt to pt, limping in, showed up to get stronger. To beat the injury and get back on the road. My therapist is incredible. So kind and encouraging. I've actually enjoyed the hours and hours I've spent at the office.

I'm considering swimming but it's indoors (and outdoor open water swimming is NOT for me..... When I did my triathlon in open waters....... I hated it). I took an aqua boot camp class, it was ok. I think swimming is such a beautiful sport. It's actually my favorite Olympic sport to watch.  I have been spending more and more time working on my swim technique. I'm also a biker but biking is a way to commute, to get around. It doesn't give back the way  running does. There's spinning classes and honestly the dark room and loud music and so many bodies covered in so much sweat all in a tiny room, not my fave.

Fitness classes are so trendy and there's a billion options in NYC for classes, I'm lucky. But I'll restate Bono's words, " I still haven't found what I'm looking for".

Early May
There's hope to run again, pain free. I am PAIN FREE!!!! I am thrilled and happy and my PT is really happy for me too and all the progress I made.

My ortho has cleared me for a run!

My ortho is very kind and has recently given me hope that if I am willing to decrease my running and continue to increase my therapy, I am cleared to do a run! To try it, to see what happens. He told me that on Tuesday, I haven't tried yet. I have worked SO hard to stabilize my injury, I'm nervous!
  My sports medicine Dr. has created a two week run/jog plan to get back on the road. I AM thrilled!
 
Late May
Week one of the "back to running" plan. My hip hurts. The torn hip is not strong enough. I limp back home, defeated and bummed.

Now it's surgery talk. My ortho is the best and his schedule is full until September. I am hoping for an appointment for the surgery now. 

Swimming has been pretty great lately. I have been enjoying my time in the water. 

Having this injury had made me so thankful for my health over the years.
Running Is irreplaceable, but we're on a break right now, figuring out if this relationship should continue, if it's healthy, if it works.  

Early June
I have a surgery date, it's August 3 and I have one of the best doctor for the surgery. It's an outpatient procedure and the recovery on crutches is 3-4 weeks and then 3-4 months of PT. 
And then this athlete will be back!
It's a journey. 
I'm learning a lot about limitations, expectations, and having grace for myself.   

Late June 
I'm about five weeks out from surgery. I'm a little nervous but also excited to not be in pain all the time. I'm so excited to run again and take high intensity classes!
The insurance talk is stressful. 
Planning who pays and how much I owe is complicated and makes me a little nervous. 


 
 

Dreamers

I spent a day last week with my Grandma, she's 92. My aunt and I took her to lunch and we talked and it was family time. My grandma is living an incredible life. She raised seven children and has too many to count grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was telling me about some highlights in her life and they all centered around her family, us.  Trips, homes, weddings, events. 

She said, "I don't regret any of it." I think that's a real powerful thing to say when you are 92 years old.

Anne Lamont has been a favorite author of mine since my undergrad years. She says,

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.

Just showing up, taking risks, and trying. Trying doesn't mean succeeding, it more often than not probably means failures, but I've recently decided I would rather fail than never show up, try, watch, and work.

Anne Lamont also said, 

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.

 This is super helpful for someone (um...... ME) who struggles with perfectionism.  Dreaming without expecting those dreams to come true in some sort of "perfect" way. That a dream can come true, still be a failure, but can be marked as a dream coming true.  It's not always how a dream turns out, sometimes I think it's just about the fact that it happened.

I'm not a teenager anymore, I don't live a fearless life. I don't jump off of train bridges - I value my life too much, I take very different types of risks these days.  I tried a new job, I said yes to my boyfriend proposing to me and now I have an incredible husband, I meet new people and some of them become my friends, I adopted a puppy, I dream, I wait, I watch, I work.

I married a dreamer. Ryan dreams big. He's an artist.  We imagine what this life together will bring, exploring and enjoying.  Using this one small tiny stretch of time in the best way we can. Sharing the times we are in pain or filled with joy or sick. Sharing all those mundane moments that add up to our lifetime.  Sharing it with ourselves, our pets, and people we love.

This past weekend NYC got an epic snowstorm, which everyone in the world who has any access to any type of technology has already heard about. My husband and puppy are both new to blizzards, they both thought it was so fun and beautiful. Their joy made it fun and new for me. They chased each other around in the empty streets. Ryan threw snowballs at Callie and Callie dug herself into a few massive mounds of snow. We walked around, our little family, getting snowed on and freezing, and connecting. I love these little moments. It sounds so simple, so small, but in those "mundane" moments I know, life can't get better than this. It's in those small joys, I know, I am showing up and in that moment, I saw the dawn.

Our lives are more than those moments that we frolic around in a blizzard. Ryan and I daily question our careers, our apartment, and what kind of quality of life NYC gives and takes. We wonder if we will every own anything more than great boots and functioning bikes. We spent the day after the blizzard in the laundromat cleaning all our towels and sheets and blankets because our dogs went into heat during the blizzard.  (Her appointment to get spayed is THIS week, it's just SO classic that her body decided to bless us with her heat a week before her spay surgery! Just so classic).
 So all of those things build character, sometimes they build fights, sometimes they don't. We just show up and try to do the right thing.  We watch and we work, then we wait.
So, high five for all our little lives and for doing our best, whatever that best looks like, we do just that. We are all just trying to show up and try, doing the thing that makes the most sense for us, our goals, our dreams, and for those we love.