Post Partum

I love my birthing story. I have never felt so alive, I have never felt so productive or so alive. I fell in love with Ryan more than I imaged possible in those millions of hours.  I have never worked so hard for something, but the reward is indescribable. Bennett.
Ryan and I were so connected and honestly the experience was cool.  Also, I had an off-the-charts team.  It was hard, like really hard, but I would say overall it was incredible. Transition was wild, the cab ride at 8 cm was uncomfortable, finding strength to push- after hours of labor and not sleeping for 48 hours, was something inside of me that I’ve never tapped before. It’s literally another world, labor and delivery.

I'm proud of my body and what it's managed to do in the last 11 months. Growing my son, birthing him, and now recovering from it all. Recovery has been a really hard stage for me and I think because it's so unknown.

 I believe labor went so well because I prepared for it, I knew the stages of labor, I knew it was a natural process and my body was built to do it. I was at peace for those hours, even though my baby was posterior and I had all back labor, I found peace (for most of it). I worked hard but my body knew how to work and breath and be present. 

 So, a weeks ago, I was laying in bed talking to Ryan. Reminding him that I am still bleeding, that our baby is almost six weeks old and I still have cramps. Reminding him I had to have two blood transfusions after I gave birth and a surgery the previous Friday to remove placenta.  That I had a UTI for the first time and also a blood clot that had us hurry to the ER a few weeks back. That my nipple vasaspasm is feeling better and good news: I don't cry anymore from pain when I nurse. And I have a bagillion stitches; because....... hello - have you seen the size of my baby's head.

Also, I HATE BLOOD! I have a history of fainting when it comes to blood, so come ON - why ALL the blood experiences.

I told Ryan I am scared because I still am not feeling strong and my body feels like it's been through so much physically and then also, I have a newborn.  (I was in labor unmedicated for 20 some hours and then pushed my 8 pound 13 ounce child for 5 hours).  

Ryan loves me so much. He looked at me and said, "it's like boxing, we don't know what the match will be like, but you just have to get in the ring and swing." You can't prepare for what you don't know will come, you just fight hard. (Side note: I scored a solid husband. He really is something.)

Ryan and I don't have a lot of eye-to-eye-impart-wisdom-to-each-other moments.  But we had one, and he's right. We fight for what we want.  We don't let the unexpected win.
It's very easy for me to sit in fear and "prepare" for all the things that could happen.  I am REALLY good at thinking up the worst case scenarios and then how those situations could get even worse. I have a very creative mind. 

Is this the post postpartum I had thought it would be? Capital "N" and capital "O". But it's my story. Its my experience. Maybe there's a reason, maybe not, I will probably never  know. (Although Ryan thinks it's possible that I have been given a chance to face my fears head on and deal with my fear of blood and fear of the unknown).  What I do know is I am going to be present. I am going to choose to belong to my story and stand in it. It's scary because it is unknown. I have always been able to rely on my body to do what I want it to do. I have never been this vulnerable. I can hear all my Mom friends and sisters saying, "welcome to parenthood."

Joseph Campbell wrote, "if you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path."

So cheers to the adventure of the unknown and finding the strength we have inside of us that can be tapped for wherever our path leads us.

How much love

Does my teeny tiny son know how loved he is? Does he know he has a billion little cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great grandparents that have sent him gifts and love before he has even entered this world?

Does he know his Mom cries sometimes from pure joy from the gift he is to us already, just being him. Does he know his Dad built his nursery and loves him fiercely, a love that will only intensify once they meet outside of my body.

My family is more than I could have every envisioned.
I really like our story.
I like our path.
I like how we do life.

It's been a little wild lately, I got gestational diabetes, which means I am taking my blood four times a day and had a few minor melt downs. I fractured my ribs and my back hurts like no other. Ryan is wrapping up his term and had been working 5am-11pm days.  We are about to exhale. He finished his term this past week, my ribs should be healing soon, and I am learning where to get blood from so I get enough (and don't have to stick myself more than once at a time) but not too much that it keeps bleeding.

And then there is community. There are people who came to our apartment on Saturday and celebrated our son's life at our baby shower.  Friends and family who send love, gifts, support,

kindness, and showed up. People who called and texted cause they couldn't make it but wanted us to know, they love our family and want to support us as new parents. There are people who have been on the journey with me since my childhood and it meant everything to have them celebrate with us.

Community helps us realize that there is more than what we see today, there is a bigger picture. We see the many: first-time-parents, and they are still standing.  For all that can go wrong in life, we've all been there; sometimes it goes right.
When I goes right, it's a miracle, it's a gift. It's humbling and proof that life continues and pushes us out of dark days into the light. These days are my light, these days are my sun.

I couldn't have ask for more in this little life of mine. My husband, my son, my puppy, my family, and my dear friends- I appreciate you more than words can express.  Your support is everything.

Parents-to-be

Ryan and I are expecting our son in August. I found this picture, taken a few years back. It was when we were waiting for the right light to finish up our engagement shoot. I think the looks on our faces here capture how are are feeling now about becoming parents, as we are just about four months out.

We are also thrilled and know we are blessed for being pregnant; honored to be chosen to be our son's parents.  But of course also feeling the "OH - We have another human moving in to our apartment and lives, really soon!!" This is an all hands on deck situation!
We felt the little guy move last week and that was the bomb dot com.
We are pretty sure he is all feet, Ryan wears a size 14 in men and I wear a size 10.5 in women. We also think he will be blond because Ryan and I were both blond kids. But he may surprise us and be a small-footed and dark hair kid, it's all still a mystery.
Ryan is doing amazing work on his nursery. It is SO cool! I just picked out and ordered the crib and changing table, the theme, paint, colors, and layout was all Ryan.  He is so creative and I love how it is turning out.
We are in birthing classes now too and we're learning about a method to birth this baby but also learning new ways to communicate with each other and better understand how we both work. It's pretty rad. 
Things have changed in the past 5.5 months, they have. I was never a huge fan of change, but honestly I have learned that change can bring better things. Change can kick good in the ass and bring in the best. Change can lead to a life I never could have even imaged.
These past five and half months I have learned so much more about Ryan and his incredible amounts of patience and love for our family and there is not one else on this planet I would rather have a baby with.
I fell on the ice about a month ago, hit my head, and had to go to the ER. It was the day after a blizzard and I wore the wrong shoes and it was super slippery.  Those 12 minutes in a taxi to the hospital and 5 minutes it took to sign in and hook me up (they move FAST when you are with child) were the longest moments of my life. I just wanted to hear the little guy's heartbeat, I just wanted to know that he was ok. That my fall didn't hurt him. We are both fine. Ryan met me at the hospital and we just sat there, thankful. 
I have never cried more often than I do now. Sometimes I think it dehydrates me.
I have always been a crier, I'm a very emotional girl, but pregnancy has definitely amplified that.  But now at least I get away with it because I am pregnant.
I can say, now, I like being pregnant. Now, at week 22, I don't mind it. Trimester one was total gong! I was so sick and didn't look pregnant so no one offered their seat on the subway (since then I have learned- I just unzip my thick winter jacket, rub my stomach, and look desperate, and more often than not - I have gotten a seat!). But oh those trimester one days, rough.

I am thankful for the path my life has taken. I am thrilled to be this little boy's Mom.  He is a very lucky kid that he gets Ryan as a Dad. It's so cool that Ryan and I found each other in this great big world and that we are bringing a little tiny (but big footed) baby into this world.