a little bit about 2013

 I just looked through my “best of 2013” year via facebook’s choice.  I liked it.  It made me feel like a year is a long time.

This year has been…..a year. I actually even forgot some of my biggest moments….. until I reviewed “best of Jes Kruse”….. facebook style.

This time last year I had all my bags packed and nowhere to go. Literally.  I decided I had to move out of my apartment that had been robbed and I was going to move January 1, but I had no new apartment on Jan 1.

But….. just like life has a way of doing, things turned out, just fine. I found a beautiful apartment that is way too fancy for someone like me and I live there now, feeling safe, feeling comfortable, and appreciating this season of studio living in NYC.

There are so many moments that happened in 2013. Many of which happened that I'll never remember. Those simple moments, that matter, that make up this thing called life but get folded into the next moment and aren’t necessary to be remembered, just lived. Then there are those moments that I scrolled through on my “best of….” on fb that are really beautiful and I’ll keep on remembering them, they are what made 2013 a pretty great year!

My niece and nephew’s birthday parties

       A summer in Paris

Recipient of NYC teacher of excellence award

      Moving into a beautiful apartment

 Dating until it paid off and currently living in bliss

      Giving a presentation at a national educational conference

Celebrating a really good friend’s wedding

I was driving to my sister’s house on Christmas eve and I got completely stressed out with my brownies and doughnuts possibly getting smashed and ruined when I kept slammed on my breaks, in the parking lot of a road, getting out of the city. I was OBSESSED. Like, really into my brownies NOT smashing. It took all the fun out of my Christmas drive. Turns out…..traffic isn’t a moment I will remember from 2013. And even if my brownies had been smashed, it wouldn’t  have been ranked as a moment to remember. I’ve had crisis and tragedy in my life, those moments I will always remember, I’ve learned through the pain and tears of those moments and I am who I am today because of those struggles. But smashed brownies or even less, the thought of smashed brownies, are not struggles. That was not a crisis on Christmas Eve. My hope for 2014 is to better engage with the moments that aren’t crisis and remind myself to not let little stressers take away the joy that can be found all around me.

2013 started when I got home from New Year’s Eve at about 10:00 am, exhausted and fighting the worst hang over of my whole life (thanks to my unawareness that champagne and gin/tonic drinks should not be drunk on the same night! Geez….just another moment in time that reminded me that yes, I was homeschooled, yes, I didn’t learn the basic 101 drinking protocols in order to be able to function properly the next day). So, I was standing in my living room, staring at my boxes, homeless, holding my throbbing head, chugging Gatorade, and close to tears, when my good friend said, “Jes, 2013 can only go up from here.” And he was right, that was just a low moment of 2013.  I am so impress with humans. We are such fighters and I love that about us.

If there’s something humans are guaranteed, it’s hope. Hope for another day, hope for dreams. HOPE. I wish for you all, that your 2014 is full of hope.

so... this is all the hype about owning a TV

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People read for many different reasons. I think a very popular reason is to connect with characters, story lines, and experiences. I enjoy reading a whole lot. But…. because of my social personality I also like to talk to people about the books I’ve read. It seems like everyone else wants to talk about the shows that they’ve watched and me….. I didn’t even own a TV for like, EVER! I much prefer to read but I also like to be a part of what people are talking about and TV/ movies are super popular topics of conversations.  So I got a TV last Spring and I am now going to talk about two shows that I like very much.

Before I divulge the TV information I will reflect on the last show I was into… Friends. A show that aired the finale like probably ten years ago and I still watch reruns. If I get into a show, I get INTO it, there just hasn’t been one since.

Turns out, watching a show is similar to reading a book, I get attached to the characters and like to watch shows that I can relate to.

 There are periods in life that are full of commonalities. My childhood was done in complete sync with my sister Jen; we did everything the same. Then my “high school” and college careers were with everyone in my life doing the same thing, studying, partying, working at coffee shops and sharing the $20 we had as a whole household to buy water ice!

Then people get into their 20s and 30s and drastic differentiation happens.  We choose it or it chooses us but the similarities are severed for those of us that don’t choose the traditional path for life.

And so here is where a good TV show comes in and makes you realize you’re not the only one living an unconventional life. Even if it’s just a character on TV, there is someone (maybe fake, but I’ll take what I can get) who can relate to my stage of life.

The first show that I am following this year that reminds me of me, at least my life for the past few years, before I had to move, is New Girl. Not only is her name Jess but she is a teacher and she lives with three guys and even thought I never slept with any of my guy roommates, I can relate to her life! She understand being single. She understands not having many single girlfriends and she lives a very similar life as me. I’m super into the show.

The second show is The Mindy Project. The fist bonus to this show is that it comes on RIGHT AFTER New Girl and so I only have to watch TV once a week and I am able to see both shows with characters that I like! Mindy lives in NYC and she dates like it’s her second job. She is super funny (WAY funnier than me) and keeps dating guys that don’t work out. She understands heartache and for that, I like her. She is good at her job and spends too much time doing it and she even went to Haiti (love).

My New Years resolution for 2013 was to watch more movies. I didn’t do too well with it. I have kinda morphed that resolution into TV shows and even thought it’s October and I only have about three more months of the year….. I am getting a star for working on my New Years Resolution and I like it!

9 years living on 2 Islands with 8.2 Million people

Today marks the day that I have lived in NYC for 9 years!
To say that New York has transformed me would be an understatement. 20s are such formative years that wherever I had spent them would have formed me tremendously.  I am just thrilled that I chose NY or maybe NY chose me, but it happened and we're together.
I meant to move here for just 1-2 years but..... that didn't happen. After college I applied to work in LA, Suriname, Washington DC, Puerto Rico, India, and I think SF too. I got a few amazing job offers!!! And then I took off to backpack Europe with two friends for the summer.
I was back from Europe, school started in two weeks and I wanted a teaching position. My friend Liz (Bff from my childhood and roommate in college) suggested I move to NYC. She had just moved up there after graduation to live with her boyfriend.
In a few days I got a job, apartment, packed up a few little things, took out the $15 I had in my bank account and on a whim...... my Dad helped me move to New York City.
I was 22.

The city is magical. Watching the sun set behind the Statue of Liberty is something that can't be described with words, it just has to be seen. That lady has stolen my heart.
Getting fresh baked cookies delivered to my door at 2 am is the good life. It's a place where no one will judge your religion or spiritual life but will judge the hell out of your shoes and purse. I love that I can eat an amazing vegan meal by a renown chef, grab a famous cupcake, and then drink my favorite sangria all on the same block (I love you LES). Seeing the Empire state building lit up or sitting on the FDR watching the fireworks with some of my favorite friends in the world - magical.

The city is not all rainbows and unicorns. I've been flustered waiting in epic long lines for packages because I missed the brown truck and so did the other 8 million people so we all wait together..... we WAIT! There are times I've sweated it out, in the summer, waiting for the subway when it is 120 degrees underground. Or when my apartment got robbed and I didn't sleep for three months. So I moved out of that apartment, cause a girls gotta sleep, into what people in the suburbs might refer to as a walk-in closet, but to me it's a whole apartment.

In these 9 years:
I ran the NYC marathon and burst into tears when I crossed the finish line out of pure joy for my accomplishment, biked the century ride with my mountain bike and couldn't sit down for days, fell in love and four years later had my heart broken to pieces..... I picked up those pieces and dated Carrie Bradshaw style: a doctor, firefighter, architect, biology teacher, a lawyer, and a few wall street guys. I finished my Masters degree and earned my National Boards.  I've partied till the sun came up and have eaten breakfast at a diner before even going to sleep for the night, many a times. I danced till my feet were bleeding, literally filled my shoes with blood. Moved all my stuff from Crown Heights to the East Village in garbage bags. (who does that????) Then lived it UP in the East Village with my roommate Millay. We would try and save the world by day (I was teaching impoverished children in East NY and she was working to house the homeless with HIV) and by night do everything that makes the East Village the most amazing place to spend ones early 20s.

I survived Hurricane Irene and Sandy. And by "surviving" I mean cooking for all my friends that were within walking distance to my Fort Greene apartment. My apartment was totally fine and unaffected. Saw the aftermath of a park slope tornado and summer earthquake.  I've marched in the Halloween parade and did the Thriller dance with thousands of other New Yorkers to honor Michael's life/music.

I could go on and on, cause it's been nine years and everyday offers something amazing. It is the city for me. After nine years I still can't convince some of my friends to come to NYC, it's too much and completely overwhelming for many. I completely understand. But for me it's home and I wouldn't trade these years in NYC for anything in the world.  My heart still gets happy when I see the city lights from a distance, it means I'm almost home!

Timing

Time has a way of passing. It's just this thing I can't control. (ps - I love control)
Beautiful things happen and then they are gone. No matter how amazing the moments are, we can't hold onto them for longer than they choose to stay. Horrific things happen and we are thankful they pass too. And during those moments it feels like time stands still.

I was at Easter talking to my family about who is the most intense..... levels of intensity, if you will. Dave of course won lowest level of intensity and then we rated everyone else. But I think timing has a whole lot to do with intensity.  I am not so intense right now because I have had a week off from my job and have had some time to just breath! But sorry to say but this time next week....... intense!

On Friday morning I was upstate visiting Darin at his monastery. Jen, Rebecca, Haven, Mai, and little Tt all went up to see our brother/uncle. I had my head covering and long skirt and didn't talk during lunch (even when the prayers were being read in Greek and Haven asked Jen, "did that man just say yoda" and when we didn't know what the what was happening when everyone bolted out the door in some ritual walk and we were all still eating). I followed the rules of the monastery because it was time to follow them.
About nine hours after that lunch I was back in Brooklyn getting dressed to go out and celebrate my good friend Matt's birthday. I had a cute little outfit on and danced with my friends till 4 am. I could be as loud as I wanted and for sure did not have any sort of head covering on.

I had to act the part of those two situations, which couldn't have been more opposite.

And so this just makes me think.... if timing is everything, what is right around the corner, what is right now, how can I make the most of this time, right now. Cause this time is only going to pass. If it's beautiful or heart breaking or stressful or completely overwhelming.... well, it'll pass.

I was in yoga class this morning (I don't love yoga) I take yoga classes because I love running and my body needs yoga. The hour and half class felt like forever when I took it a couple weeks ago. This morning I gave myself a pep talk to not look at the clock and try to "get comfortable in uncomfortable positions" which is how my sister Jen describes yoga class. When I accepted that it will be a while that I will do things to my body that it doesn't love, the class didn't seem like forever. I tried to actually enjoy it.

It's time to accept the moments when things are uncomfortable without wishing them away and the times that are beautiful without holding on with the grip of death to try and make them last longer than they are meant to last. Accepting that there might never be a time that I don't like control but accepting that I don't have control a lot of the time.

Snow in the Spring

I went running this morning, it's my Spring break and so I get to run in the mornings, which I LOVE! I appreciate my runs after work too, when I try and leave the stress of the school day on concrete, parks, and bridges all over NYC. But there is something about my morning runs that I love. Today's run was through snow! Spring snow. I've never liked the cold. It wasn't my favorite run.
I ran past the start of tulips (just green shoots) and I thought "bloom baby bloom, don't let this snow storm deter you from blooming." And ya know what.... I am going to take that for myself too.

The seasons have always been symbolic for me. I feel so free and so amazing in the summers. My skin, hair, and emotions all reflect the sun shining. Here at the end of winter (oh god please!! It has to be the end of winter SOON!) my dried out skin and dark hair, very untouched my sun, and my bad attitude reflect these dark and cold days we've had since, literally, October. It's been a long winter. Everyone around me has felt it and it seems like everyone has experienced this epic winter on a pretty intense level.

The Spring will bring my nephew's first birthday, my students' art and writing work into a gallery in Dumbo, runs without loosing feeling in my fingers, time on my new rooftop. Then the summer will come and I'll be in Paris. Good things are coming. Good things are going too. A really special friend of mine, Jess, is moving away from NYC in the Spring and that's really sad. Spring always brings change. Change is going to happen. It can't not.

So I'm living my story. Jen, Bec, and I went to see Pink on Saturday night! It was so super fun and Pink's lyrics are such a story. There are so many lines in her songs that I can relate to and if I put a bunch of her songs together it might kinda tell my story a little. Music is amazing and I am thankful that music is not seasonal and that I get to connect to it year round.

So let's connect to passionate music and bloom and SOON the Spring will come! It just has to.

 

2013 plans

There's a blizzard going on outside. It is going on outside my big beautiful window. MY window. In MY apartment that I live in all on MY own. I really love it. It's tiny and cute but it can fit all my baking pans, shoes, my piano, and knitting baskets..... so, what else does a girl need.
I love hanging out here and I am trying really hard to learn how to relax in 2013. I know a lot of people don't think relaxing is an art but it is and it is an art form I am really, really bad at.
A few weeks ago I was sitting at a coffee shop with one of my best friends, Lindsay, who knows me well! I told her, "in 2013 I am not starting that PhD program or studying for GREs, I'm not running the Boston marathon, or accepting the adjunct position at a university near me. I am going to learn how to BE this year and I am going to just live my life." Linds let out a little scream and said, "THATS AMAZING AND I AM SOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU."
Friends and family who know me well, know that to not do something is much more difficult for me than to do it. I am a doer, I win, I achieve, I conquer, I set goals and then I work or train and I reach those goals. Linds was excited for me because she got it, she understood that I have taken on a much more difficult challenge this year than accomplishing a whole bunch of things. I am trying to not make a list.
Turns out, life isn't about making lists and crossing things off that list just as fast as they are recorded. I kinda think it is more about being in those special moments.
I had Maiya and Haven visit me overnight a few weeks ago. I was sitting on the bathroom floor talking to them while they played in the bath. While we were hanging out I realized they have the ability to just do one thing. I really don't think Maiya or Haven were thinking about school on Monday or what we would eat for lunch or what outfit they would choose after the bath...... nope. They were just taking a bath and that was the only thing happening in that moment for them. Beautiful.
I was jealous.
I want to be more present and so for 2013 I am practicing the art of relaxation. I've never been good at it and so I will learn how to be good at it this year. My new years resolution is to smile more, take more baths, read novels, bake more, and seriously take life down a notch.

(ok so I'm not like a dud or anything.... of course! So....I am presenting at a National Education Conference in Baltimore this month and studying French in Paris for 4 weeks this summer...... so I'm going to be like a boring person or anything..... stuff is still going to be super rad!!! Just trying to not take on as much as I normally do! So keep the fun coming, just not too much at once!)

So here's to 2013..... the year of living life and not just doing life!!