Time heals and tonight I feel happy

It's Friday night and I am alone. I feel so strong and don't feel any pressure to be anywhere else but in my room watching 30 rock by myself. It's a good thing.

I feel so grown up to actually not let the social pressures tell me what is and is not okay for Friday nights. For those of you who have never been single, which is just about all my friends, it does take a special strength to not have plans over the weekend.

Well of course I actually do have plans.... big plans. I am running the NYC marathon on Sunday. It is so timely. The marathon training was one of the biggest things that kept me going during the dark days of August and September.

Tonight when I was out at the local book store just browsing I thought..... "I'm happy. I am content". It is something only time can bring. Thank-you November for blowing in some sweet happy hopes!

I get to choose my life.

I am so excited to run on Sunday!

60 days of me

This picture is me in the middle of August in Chicago. Bekah helped me to find the strength to move on and end a relationship that was going to expire any minute. During that trip to Chicago I put myself on a 60 day plan of moving on. For 60 days I did compassion mediation for myself and kept a journal and read a book that Liz gave me called "A seeking heart". Every (or almost every) morning I did meditation and almost every night read the book and wrote in my journal. I learned about myself. I spent time thinking about me and started to learn what it means to take care of myself.

Taking care of myself has always been a million times harder than taking care of others.

It will be 60 days of caring for myself this Thursday! Of course I am going to keep caring for myself and doing what I'm doing because I'm learning a lot and I enjoy it. I am proud of myself for taking these 60 days and really looking after myself.

It has been some of the most lonely and sad days I have ever had, I'll admit. I've cried more in the last 60 days than in the last 6 years combined probably. (If you don't count when I have PMS cause I cry a lot then too)

It's been a very raw time for me. Instead of being okay and holding it together, I let myself fall apart. I think this means I am growing up. Dar Williams might say to me, Jes "you are aging well". Of course I haven't listened to much Dar cause it would make me cry more.

It's been a hell of a time but I've realized I am strong and not because everything is okay but I am strong because everything sucks right now and I am facing it and letting it hurt.

Turns out I don't even hate being alone as much as I thought.

Ruin is the road to new beginnings

I was hanging out with Jen a few weeks ago and we took Maiya and Haven to the botanical gardens. (NJ isn't called 'the garden state' for no reason) Maiya was running and wanted to hop over a little man made stream on her own and I told her, "wait, I'll help you I don't want you to fall in". She replied, "no, I can do it by myself....... and I like myself".

Maiya's got a great sense of self at age two, clearly the daughter of my sister Jen. Like mother like daughter.

I have been trying to live by Maiya's little quote. Doing life on my own and enjoying it cause I like myself. It has been a rough month. I love the summer like no other season but this is the first summer that I can remember that I was happy for the end of August and to start back to work. Anticipating some normalcy again in my life.

During the month of August I decided to keep my life far away from what I was use to. I drove out to Jen's and stayed with her for a while. Had sister time over wine and chocolate cake, watched sports with Dave and laughed with H&M.

I bought a plane ticket to Chicago to spend some time with my friend Bekah (who lives above a trader joes.....perfect). We talked and talked and I cried. She is happily married and went through a devastating heart break before she met her husband. She understood.

After Chicago I drove and spent some time with Bec and Phil. We swam, I cried, she listened and loved me. Phil made us dinner and cookies.

My Dad's calls have been filled with love, support, advice, and plans.

I got to see Linds and Collin. Collin made me cry because he was too nice. We talked for hours and made some survival plans for me. Senya smiled and I'm so glad she likes me!

A couple days after I got back from PA Sarah flew in from St. Louis and we spent time touring NYC restaurants.

Nothing can take away deep pain of the heart but friends and family sure can help to mend it just a little bit faster.

So this is where I am. It's not OK or nice but I know it is just a season. Wounds heal. So here is to the start of a new season in my life.

Messy

I walked over to the library to pick up a stack of novels. The check-out women looked at me like, 'wow, you must have a lot of time on your hands' I just handed her my worn library card and said 'thanks'.

I do have a lot of time on my hands. Sad time. I don't need reminders from the Brooklyn Public Library too. Yes, I read the book Glass Castle in five days. Yes, I like to read about other peoples' lives because sometimes they are tough and it makes me feel just a little bit better about mine.

I babysat my niece a few months ago and while I was making dinner she walked into her kitchen and said , "I'm a mess." I looked down at her and realized she had reached into her dirty diaper and had a hand full of 'mess' in her hand. I feel you Maiya. I feel like I reached into a surprise bag and now I have a handful of mess too.

To counteract the mess I am holding in my hands I am taking drastic measures to feel good. I am on week three of my marathon training schedule and I am taking a few trips to see good friends and that makes me feel good! Not great, but good.

What has been going on in Brooklyn

Now that Facebook has appeared to replace this blogging life I will make more of an effort to devote more time to my blog.

Just some thoughts..... it's finally Spring and I am so thankful for that gift.  The trees have been turning all kinds of beautiful colors.  It is no longer dark from 4:00 pm to 7:00 am and I can actually see the trees when I am going to and from work.

I have been running a lot and keeping my eyes on the prize of running the NYC marathon in November! That's right.... I am IN! November 7th people..... be there or be square. It will be so much fun. I found a new running partner in Charlie.  He upped his game and has gone for a few long distance runs with me. I am enjoying this running together thing cause any minute now he will overtake me with his tall self and I will keep my 9 min/mile pace..... way behind.

School is school. I do love my job. It has been a bit much the last couple of weeks, I know we all (teacher and students) just want to be outside and enjoy the weather but we're stuck inside reading and writing. For anyone who has a teenage student my heart goes out to you..... applying to colleges is a LOT of work! We will have our first graduating class next year and our first set of KH students off to college and man alive!!! it is a LOT of work to get them going on the college application.

Brooklyn is doing well. Just as beautiful as ever. A little lonely without some of her key players (Liz, Sarah, Millay) but BK is hanging in. She always has availability for some new comers. Specifically those who might be friends with jes kruse. (maybe a PHd program for lindsay or teaching job for KP and Sarah... just some ideas) But as for Jes Kruse she is really enjoying her life in Brooklyn.

who said fear is all bad?

I wonder what it would be like to not be scared. If you know me well, have heard some of my stories, or came to my classroom at school then probably the last word you might use to describe me would be 'scared'. For those few of you who know my secrets you are not surprised to hear that life scares me a little bit. Ok, sometimes more than a little bit.

I am scared of small spaces. I couldn't go up in the arch in St. Louis because the "pod" (the "pod" is really more like a recipe for how to be guaranteed a fast, full-on panic attack the moment you step in). I was out visiting my friends Sarah and bekah and when we bought our tickets they asked, "is anyone claustrophobic".  Being the fake tough person I am, I said no. Big mistake. My heart races just a little too fast when I am in small spaces and if I feel trapped in that small space...... step back because that is not a good state for me.

I have been learning about the art of knowing myself and learning my limitation. Realizing that limitations do not mean weakness.  I have always had a desire to be tough, to be able to take anything on and survive.  I am a survivor. I think maybe we all are.  Surviving and enjoying life do not really go hand in hand I am realizing. I think I prefer to enjoy life. 

There was a fight in the hallway of my school a few weeks away that found its way into my classroom. I tried to close the door and couldn't. I got stuck behind the door and my bookshelf. Not a good place for someone who hates small spaces AND feeling trapped. (I start to sweat just a little even thinking about it)  

And back to the lessons I am learning.  I want to be strong in a real way. I want to enjoy and be aware of all that I have and not feel pressure to prove to anyone.  I want to accept that some things do scare me but that doesn't mean I am a weak person.  I think I am over living in survival mode.