Dreamers

I spent a day last week with my Grandma, she's 92. My aunt and I took her to lunch and we talked and it was family time. My grandma is living an incredible life. She raised seven children and has too many to count grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was telling me about some highlights in her life and they all centered around her family, us.  Trips, homes, weddings, events. 

She said, "I don't regret any of it." I think that's a real powerful thing to say when you are 92 years old.

Anne Lamont has been a favorite author of mine since my undergrad years. She says,

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.

Just showing up, taking risks, and trying. Trying doesn't mean succeeding, it more often than not probably means failures, but I've recently decided I would rather fail than never show up, try, watch, and work.

Anne Lamont also said, 

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.

 This is super helpful for someone (um...... ME) who struggles with perfectionism.  Dreaming without expecting those dreams to come true in some sort of "perfect" way. That a dream can come true, still be a failure, but can be marked as a dream coming true.  It's not always how a dream turns out, sometimes I think it's just about the fact that it happened.

I'm not a teenager anymore, I don't live a fearless life. I don't jump off of train bridges - I value my life too much, I take very different types of risks these days.  I tried a new job, I said yes to my boyfriend proposing to me and now I have an incredible husband, I meet new people and some of them become my friends, I adopted a puppy, I dream, I wait, I watch, I work.

I married a dreamer. Ryan dreams big. He's an artist.  We imagine what this life together will bring, exploring and enjoying.  Using this one small tiny stretch of time in the best way we can. Sharing the times we are in pain or filled with joy or sick. Sharing all those mundane moments that add up to our lifetime.  Sharing it with ourselves, our pets, and people we love.

This past weekend NYC got an epic snowstorm, which everyone in the world who has any access to any type of technology has already heard about. My husband and puppy are both new to blizzards, they both thought it was so fun and beautiful. Their joy made it fun and new for me. They chased each other around in the empty streets. Ryan threw snowballs at Callie and Callie dug herself into a few massive mounds of snow. We walked around, our little family, getting snowed on and freezing, and connecting. I love these little moments. It sounds so simple, so small, but in those "mundane" moments I know, life can't get better than this. It's in those small joys, I know, I am showing up and in that moment, I saw the dawn.

Our lives are more than those moments that we frolic around in a blizzard. Ryan and I daily question our careers, our apartment, and what kind of quality of life NYC gives and takes. We wonder if we will every own anything more than great boots and functioning bikes. We spent the day after the blizzard in the laundromat cleaning all our towels and sheets and blankets because our dogs went into heat during the blizzard.  (Her appointment to get spayed is THIS week, it's just SO classic that her body decided to bless us with her heat a week before her spay surgery! Just so classic).
 So all of those things build character, sometimes they build fights, sometimes they don't. We just show up and try to do the right thing.  We watch and we work, then we wait.
So, high five for all our little lives and for doing our best, whatever that best looks like, we do just that. We are all just trying to show up and try, doing the thing that makes the most sense for us, our goals, our dreams, and for those we love.

This holiday season

I decided that Christmas this year will be about remembering that miracles are all around me. Just like the Christmas story, they normally come in shapes and sizes that we don't recognize or expect.

I have been spending a lot of time with my puppy. Just her and I.  She takes up all my thoughts and requires my complete attention on walks. I can't talk on the phone or check my phone, I have to focus completely on her.  Ensuring she doesn't eat a chicken bone, (which by the way .......HOW are there SO MANY chicken bones on the streets of Brooklyn?), also making sure she stays close to me and doesn't jump on the hoards of people that are my neighbors, or dart into the streets.  Honestly, it's a very spiritual experience. It is being present. Being in the moment and staying in the moment. My mind doesn't even have the space to stress and obsess about things when I walk my puppy,  I have to focus on Callie.  It gives my mind a break from all the major things I think matter "so much".  It's been a real stilling experience.  Adding Callie to our family has been one of my best adventures.

I never pictured my life this way. My world is so much smaller than it use to be. I spend most of my time with just a few people and a puppy. It's a life that is so incredibly full, so full of miracles and life. It's the kinda thing that makes me realize I don't even know how to ask for what I want, because what I got is even better than anything I could have articulated. 

Ryan and I were really intentional about spending a lot of time together during our first year of marriage and we decided to focusing on "quality of life."  Choosing adventures, experiences, and each other over anything else.   We traveled abroad twice this year, to Curacao and London. We visited Boston and Washington DC. We flew out to San Diego and visited family. We explored parts of NYC we'd never seen before and found bars and restaurants to eat, drink, and laugh in.
Ryan has taught me so much about enjoying life. That life happens now and how enjoying those unplanned special moments create the memories that matter.

Sharing a life with another human being is such a treat, an adventure, and a continual compromise. It is the most selfless thing I have ever done.  It's remembering it's not just Jes anymore, there's two of us in this now. It's incredibly beautiful and then it's gets ugly and messy and both parties compromise because seeing someone else happy is worth the sacrifice of getting our own way. (and while I write this I also know it will take my entire lifetime to master this idea). 

Yesterday I saw the movie Brooklyn. It became a favorite even before it ended, it's the kind of movie that you hope keeps going and doesn't end. (For those of you who know me well, you know movies are not normally my thing, I get bored quickly and I'd rather read the book). But this movie...... ah man! It was so moving. The character development was beautiful. I was so committed to the main character, I cried like ten times during the movie (as did most of the audience at the cinema). If you can, see it! The story line follows a young girl who moves from Ireland, on her own, in the 50s to live and work in NYC. So, there's a little holiday activity idea for you all!

Wherever life takes us, I hope for big adventures and joy for you all this Christmas and holiday season. 

hard choices and beginnings

There has been so much joy in my personal life.

There has been so much change in my career life.

I believe there are different types of scared.  I was good scared when I started teaching in East New York, eleven years ago.  I was good scared right before I walked down the aisle to marry Ryan. It's a good fear that drives us to become better people.  That whatever we are about to do takes courage, sometimes a lot of it, and we dig down and find that courage and walk on.  It is a good scared that sometimes drives us to give ourselves over to something bigger than ourselves.  A  good fear that continues to remind us that life is scary but also incredibly rewarding when you take a risk.
A jump.
Accepting that there's no real guarantees and trusting ourselves enough to know that we are making the best decisions we know how to make; then clinging tightly to them when things gets a little rocky.

I made a decision to not teach this year. I took a jump. 

I am passionate about education. Mainly about equality in education and that no matter the socioeconomic status you are born into, you are given a quality education. That you are shown respect and love and honored. All human deserves that.

I will always work hard and do what I can for that to happen in my world.

At the same time, I am accepting that my life has seasons. It just does. All my heart wants to do is pour myself into those lacking honor and care. But there are seasons of recovery and I am learning to accept that fact. 

So, while I have been basking in the beauty of my new life this summer as a wife and having a husband, an incredible opportunity came along, kind of a dream job. I was asked to be on faculty at a small private college. I accepted it. I am teaching graduate classes on writing curriculum for English language learners and supporting and supervising student teachers.  I will have a chance to pour into teachers and assist them in creating lessons and work for their students. I have always loved college campuses and when I arrived last Wednesday for a faculty meeting, I was at peace. It is where I am suppose to be this year, my head knows it, and I am working on convincing my heart.

It's taken a while for me to sit down and really write and articulate my feelings about loving and leaving teaching for this year. Education is my passion.  I am bias, but I think it is one of the most rewarding jobs on this planet. It's little lives. I had the privilege of getting to know so many students over the years and have been changed and inspired by many of them. Life is long and it's possible that I'll find myself in the classroom with teenagers again, I have a feeling I will.

Burn out is kind of a state of being, when you're a teacher in a high needs school. It is.  Balance has never been my specialty. I dive in deep and give whatever I am doing 110%. I don't know how to do a half ass job, if I know I can't do it really well, I just won't do it at all. (It's not a great quality of mine, I'm trying to learn balance, but it's the personality I was born with and that's what I have to work with).  I know deep in my heart that taking a step back from working in crisis is exactly what I am suppose to be doing this year. I know it is great timing as I will have the emotional energy needed to focus on my new marriage. 

It makes sense and seems so perfect on paper, but it was still one of the HARDEST decisions I have ever had to make.  It was super scary and emotional.  I cried a lot. I still cry a little thinking about it. I will miss seeing my students everyday. As insane as it can get, it has been my life for eleven years.  It has shaped me into who I am today. It has been a privilege to have had the time and energy needed to work in my city's public schools.

I am a bag of mixed emotions. It's a bit of a roller coaster ride with me as school has started again and for the first time in my entire life, I am not back to school.

Nature

I had two very quiet, nature-ie, and sill experiences in July.
July we went upstate to visit my brother. For Ryan and Darin to meet. They are two of the most kind and gentle men I know (probably due to them both having tons of sisters). I loved hanging out, us three! It was super special.

Ryan and I stayed in an Airbnb for the weekend upstate NY to visit with Darin. Ryan said it was the most rustic thing he'd ever done. It was a cabin with a full bathroom and full kitchen. It really wouldn't be categorized as rustic. Seeing as we both have lived in cities for our entire adult lives, "rustic" or even rustic is not something we do often.
On Saturday we went canoeing...... hello nature! We canoed for like five hours I think. We were the only ones canoeing in a massive reservoir. Like HUGE! Like so big that when it started thundering (four hours in) I panicked and got down on my knees and started rowing like turbo speed. (My shoulders and arms have healed in time). It took us a good 45 minutes to canoe to get to a side and be closer to land. (So as to not get struck by lightening). For those forty-five minutes I probably thought about death about ten different times. The other thing about hearing thunder when your husband is half deaf (literally, I'm not being a jerk, he lost his hearing in his left ear when he was a teenager), is that it takes about 5-6 minutes to convince him that yes, it's thundering, before he actually starts focusing and rowing hard!
So, we made it, not only that but we got the top of the reservoir and had a little lunch picnic and relaxed and enjoyed the quiet and stillness. (well we relaxed until Ryan was convinced that the poop near our little island lunch spot was bear poop and we should, "just be aware of any bear that might be around.")
The thing about Ryan is he says really scary and intense things in a very calming voice and it can be confusing.

Nature adventure #2:

My solo drive from Phoenix to San Diego. I've never spent any time in the desert. I had a work meeting in Phoenix and that was my first time in the south west area of American. (side note: I'm desperate to see the Grand Canyon and I feel like I should have tried harder to fit the Grand Canyon into our Arizona/California trip, but I didn't).  So I rented a little car (well I rented a very small car without cruise control and since I was driving far I returned it for a car WITH cruise control).
I set off. My phone was on 20% battery and I had some gas. Within the first thirty minutes I was in the middle of nothing! Like tumble weeds and cactus.  Just like the movies.
It was 104 degrees out and I had two prayers: 1. Please don't let me run out of gas 2. Please don't let my AC break. Thanks.

There were mountains and signs that read "turn off AC or car may overheat" and then a few miles up the road huge buckets of water for overheated cars.
I had to turn my phone off so it didn't die (cause if it died, I seriously wondered if I would, out there in the desert).
So, I kept driving. Driving in the silence cause the only radio stations were in Spanish and trying to learn that language in college didn't go well and I had no idea what they were singing about.
I had to stop at two border control stations. I wasn't hiding anything so they let me through. I survived. I drove on.

Nature days!

what goes around, comes around

I was riding the subway from my neighborhood in Brooklyn up to Columbia Circle, kind of a longish trip, but I had a good book so it was fine.
Fine until.....here comes a lady, appears homeless, and she starts SCREAMING, "I'm pregnant and hungry" and is asking for money. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts about giving money to people on the streets, but I want to help. So I dug out my granola bar and offered it to her, I just held it out as she walked by my seat. She shook her head, no.  Kind of quietly, kind of like, "I'm not THAT hungry to eat your little natures bar."  So then there's that moment, I'm holding it out, she said she's hungry so I say, "are you hungry, you can have this." She took it and I doubt she ate it.

But karma comes around. After my meeting in Columbus circle, I was hungry and kinda bummed I gave my bar to someone who didn't want it. As I was walking down the subway stairs a kettle chip rep was handing out free bags of chips. Just like that, I had food given to me! NICE!

The homeless like Ryan way more than they like me. If someone asks Ryan for food, he'll grab a hamburger for them from McDonalds.  They eat that. Me, I offer them a grain bar and whatever organic snack I have in my bag, or it just simply isn't taken. I can't image life on the streets and Ryan says McDonalds tastes really good so why not. I guess if life is that tough day in and day out a little McDonalds is a life bonus.

I am currently watching a series on Netflix that I think is HILARIOUS! It's double funny because Ryan thinks it's SO funny too and he laughs SO hard every time we watch it. This week has been insane for both of us at work. We both have been getting home around 9:00 and watching an apisode while stuffing food into our mouths cause we're always starving by then! Watching an episode, laughing, and falling asleep to get up and do it all again. Those 22 minutes while I am laughing and eating are awesome! Those 22 minutes I get to see Ryan, are super awesome.
So, this episode we watched was about two of the characters treating themselves to things. They go on a shopping and spa day and "treat yourself." It's awesome! It's double awesome because of the facial expressions when they say "Tree-Eat" yourself. 

So all that to say, maybe next time someone asks me for food I'll get something they actually like, I'll treat them. Maybe there are requests that don't make sense and what someone else would consider a treat I can't understand. What is important is that we are honestly with what we want and know what things are special to us.

My treats are time with people I love, the beach, going for runs, reading a good book, baking (but not again until Sept-Oct cause it's WAY too hot for that now), traveling, and eating really good food. I value those things so much and when those treats come around, it's a really good day. I am going to get just about all those treats into one when we leave for our honeymoon in just two weeks!  HELLO Curacao... I'll see you soon!

Passages

My 10th graders are all writing what we call, passages, a letter stating what makes them ready to be 11th graders. Upperclassman. They have to provide evidence of what they have done in their 9th and 10th grades to prove to a panel that they are ready to be upperclassman.

I also have just done my own kind of passage.  I've moved from my single life, just jes, to married life: Jessica Ann Kruse Cerutti. I made a choice in front of a large group of familiar faces, to start a new family.  To love, honor, respect, show kindness, and enjoy someone for the rest of my life.
It was a total rush!!
I've never been so sure of anything.
It was a conscience decision when I sad yes at the beach in North Carolina last August, when he proposed. I knew he was meant to be my life partner.
But as sure as I was, I still felt the weight, the commitment, the promise, the holy vow I was about to make and it took everything inside me to keep from fainting before the ceremony! (I am a fainter, when life gets a little much or too emotional, I have a little trick..... I just pass out. I take my own little time out from life. Not on purpose, of course.  My body just does it. It always has. Oh the childhood stories I could tell......)
Anyway - as intense as the deeply serious moments were, right before the ceremony, it was still a joy. In my heart I KNEW, I just knew, I was about to make the best promise of my life.
I've made tons of decisions, or things have happened and decisions have been made that change me forever. But a wedding is so unique because all my favorite people make plans and sacrifice time, energy and resources to come watch and support me making a decision. A lifelong promise.  It is such a special time.
My Dad was so kind, and he tried to crack a few classic Dad jokes before we walked down the aisle, to calm me. He has always been a rock in my life. I don't know HOW I would have made it down the aisle without him. He held me up! (literally)
The minute I saw Ryan's face at the alter I calmed. His calming presence is actually one of the millions of reasons I married him.
This picture captures the moment I saw Ryan, I can tell, I tilted my head and knew, we were in this together. We connected at that moment!

Our wedding was above and beyond how I imaged it would go.
As my mind was trying to catch up with my heart, as Ryan and I made promises and became our own family on that day, I was at peace. The beginning of my new home. 
In the couple of pictures we have seen so far of our wedding I am out-of-control-happy. I am literally overjoyed and that face is exactly what I always hoped I would feel at my wedding.

I really like being married. It's pretty awesome to just have one person who means so much to me. Who shares life with me. I am part of an US now, and I am all about it!
Partnership makes me feel alive.
What drives our lives? What brings life. For me, it's always been caring for others and building relationships. The thing that is awesome about putting energy into this new relationship with Ryan is that it is around to stay. It is a constant. It gives life.

as for my act three.....

And.... for my act three..... in just four little weeks.
Act two was pretty rad. I loved my single and dating years, well lets say, we had a love/hate relationship with each other. I explored what it meant to be Jes Kruse. I worked my heart out (physically, mentally, emotionally).  I gave my students and my job 100% of myself.  I played really hard too, during act two, I had experiences that were A-MAZ-ING.
Now comes act three (fyi - act one was my childhood). Act three will have tons of scenes that will happen with Ryan by my side. That's super!!!!!  What an adventure we will have together!
Act three starts with a big party, with people flying from all over the place to celebrate with us.  I love that our big party is happening in the Spring, which signifies new beginnings. 
Ryan and I are so similar and so different and I am really loving getting to know my life partner.  We are both middle children and have a lot of similar personality traits because of that. We love our families to the max. We miss them.
NYC is our home but no one else in our families calls NYC their home, and so Easter was spent in Brooklyn. Just us. Simple. We went to church and then biked down by the East River. Sat between the Brooklyn bridge and Manhattan bridge and talked. I sat and wondered when the Verizon building would be taken down (for all you New Yorkers you know what I mean, it's just such an eye sore). Then we walked to grab hot tea cause April got confused and forgot to give us some warmth.  Since it's Easter we went into my favorite little candy shop in Dumbo and I scooped out some of our favorite candies into a bag.  Biked up to our favorite Middle Eastern spots and ate lunch.
Act three is pretty simple. Simple in the way that it's small, I don't have a million little things going on, I just have one big thing going on. I like it that way. Act two was really exhausting!
When I started act two, when I moved to NYC or maybe it started when I started college, well I just had NO idea all the scenes that would take place.  And actually, I'm glad I didn't. Joys, friendships, and memories that I could have never guessed would be as beautiful as they were. Surprises that were beyond things I could have even imaged. Of course heartache I didn't know I could survive and lows that I never would have guessed I could overcome, but I did.
It's really a sense of excitement, the start of act three. I know this next stage will be full of joys, excitements, pains, adventures, and dreams, but the real bonus is that I get to do them all with a guy that I find to be a dream.
So today is Easter, the start of something beautiful. When my faith/religion was changed forever. That same guy, Jesus, who we are remembering today, is know to: "make beautiful things, in his time".
When I look at my life now, I realize, yep, He sure does. The very best things that have happened to me have not been in my timing, but they have always been right on, in a good way. I'm thankful today for timing that makes sense and beauty that comes when we have either given up or aren't really looking so hard anymore.
Happy Easter. Happy Spring. Happy new beginnings.