hard choices and beginnings

There has been so much joy in my personal life.

There has been so much change in my career life.

I believe there are different types of scared.  I was good scared when I started teaching in East New York, eleven years ago.  I was good scared right before I walked down the aisle to marry Ryan. It's a good fear that drives us to become better people.  That whatever we are about to do takes courage, sometimes a lot of it, and we dig down and find that courage and walk on.  It is a good scared that sometimes drives us to give ourselves over to something bigger than ourselves.  A  good fear that continues to remind us that life is scary but also incredibly rewarding when you take a risk.
A jump.
Accepting that there's no real guarantees and trusting ourselves enough to know that we are making the best decisions we know how to make; then clinging tightly to them when things gets a little rocky.

I made a decision to not teach this year. I took a jump. 

I am passionate about education. Mainly about equality in education and that no matter the socioeconomic status you are born into, you are given a quality education. That you are shown respect and love and honored. All human deserves that.

I will always work hard and do what I can for that to happen in my world.

At the same time, I am accepting that my life has seasons. It just does. All my heart wants to do is pour myself into those lacking honor and care. But there are seasons of recovery and I am learning to accept that fact. 

So, while I have been basking in the beauty of my new life this summer as a wife and having a husband, an incredible opportunity came along, kind of a dream job. I was asked to be on faculty at a small private college. I accepted it. I am teaching graduate classes on writing curriculum for English language learners and supporting and supervising student teachers.  I will have a chance to pour into teachers and assist them in creating lessons and work for their students. I have always loved college campuses and when I arrived last Wednesday for a faculty meeting, I was at peace. It is where I am suppose to be this year, my head knows it, and I am working on convincing my heart.

It's taken a while for me to sit down and really write and articulate my feelings about loving and leaving teaching for this year. Education is my passion.  I am bias, but I think it is one of the most rewarding jobs on this planet. It's little lives. I had the privilege of getting to know so many students over the years and have been changed and inspired by many of them. Life is long and it's possible that I'll find myself in the classroom with teenagers again, I have a feeling I will.

Burn out is kind of a state of being, when you're a teacher in a high needs school. It is.  Balance has never been my specialty. I dive in deep and give whatever I am doing 110%. I don't know how to do a half ass job, if I know I can't do it really well, I just won't do it at all. (It's not a great quality of mine, I'm trying to learn balance, but it's the personality I was born with and that's what I have to work with).  I know deep in my heart that taking a step back from working in crisis is exactly what I am suppose to be doing this year. I know it is great timing as I will have the emotional energy needed to focus on my new marriage. 

It makes sense and seems so perfect on paper, but it was still one of the HARDEST decisions I have ever had to make.  It was super scary and emotional.  I cried a lot. I still cry a little thinking about it. I will miss seeing my students everyday. As insane as it can get, it has been my life for eleven years.  It has shaped me into who I am today. It has been a privilege to have had the time and energy needed to work in my city's public schools.

I am a bag of mixed emotions. It's a bit of a roller coaster ride with me as school has started again and for the first time in my entire life, I am not back to school.