Post Partum

I love my birthing story. I have never felt so alive, I have never felt so productive or so alive. I fell in love with Ryan more than I imaged possible in those millions of hours.  I have never worked so hard for something, but the reward is indescribable. Bennett.
Ryan and I were so connected and honestly the experience was cool.  Also, I had an off-the-charts team.  It was hard, like really hard, but I would say overall it was incredible. Transition was wild, the cab ride at 8 cm was uncomfortable, finding strength to push- after hours of labor and not sleeping for 48 hours, was something inside of me that I’ve never tapped before. It’s literally another world, labor and delivery.

I'm proud of my body and what it's managed to do in the last 11 months. Growing my son, birthing him, and now recovering from it all. Recovery has been a really hard stage for me and I think because it's so unknown.

 I believe labor went so well because I prepared for it, I knew the stages of labor, I knew it was a natural process and my body was built to do it. I was at peace for those hours, even though my baby was posterior and I had all back labor, I found peace (for most of it). I worked hard but my body knew how to work and breath and be present. 

 So, a weeks ago, I was laying in bed talking to Ryan. Reminding him that I am still bleeding, that our baby is almost six weeks old and I still have cramps. Reminding him I had to have two blood transfusions after I gave birth and a surgery the previous Friday to remove placenta.  That I had a UTI for the first time and also a blood clot that had us hurry to the ER a few weeks back. That my nipple vasaspasm is feeling better and good news: I don't cry anymore from pain when I nurse. And I have a bagillion stitches; because....... hello - have you seen the size of my baby's head.

Also, I HATE BLOOD! I have a history of fainting when it comes to blood, so come ON - why ALL the blood experiences.

I told Ryan I am scared because I still am not feeling strong and my body feels like it's been through so much physically and then also, I have a newborn.  (I was in labor unmedicated for 20 some hours and then pushed my 8 pound 13 ounce child for 5 hours).  

Ryan loves me so much. He looked at me and said, "it's like boxing, we don't know what the match will be like, but you just have to get in the ring and swing." You can't prepare for what you don't know will come, you just fight hard. (Side note: I scored a solid husband. He really is something.)

Ryan and I don't have a lot of eye-to-eye-impart-wisdom-to-each-other moments.  But we had one, and he's right. We fight for what we want.  We don't let the unexpected win.
It's very easy for me to sit in fear and "prepare" for all the things that could happen.  I am REALLY good at thinking up the worst case scenarios and then how those situations could get even worse. I have a very creative mind. 

Is this the post postpartum I had thought it would be? Capital "N" and capital "O". But it's my story. Its my experience. Maybe there's a reason, maybe not, I will probably never  know. (Although Ryan thinks it's possible that I have been given a chance to face my fears head on and deal with my fear of blood and fear of the unknown).  What I do know is I am going to be present. I am going to choose to belong to my story and stand in it. It's scary because it is unknown. I have always been able to rely on my body to do what I want it to do. I have never been this vulnerable. I can hear all my Mom friends and sisters saying, "welcome to parenthood."

Joseph Campbell wrote, "if you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path."

So cheers to the adventure of the unknown and finding the strength we have inside of us that can be tapped for wherever our path leads us.