The diary of a busted athlete

 I've been off running since February. I have an injury.It's been more difficult than I initially imagined. 

Running and I have had a relationship for years and years and then some more years.  Running has helped me through some really hard times and it has also been parts of some favorite moments.  Running has been my lifeline.

I'm a runner.

Until I'm told.... I'm not.

February

I visited my sports medicine doctor. I have an injury. But sometimes I accept information as if I have the mind of a teenager, and still think I am invincible.  (Hey..... 34-year-old-jes, you're not!).

I had to get an MRI, I thought I was going to die a little. I hate small spaces. The tech was super kind and talked me through it. It was a victory for me that I didn't have to have him pull me out in the middle.

I have a rip in my hip labral and I have been told that I have an injury that will never heal on its own.  The part about it never healing on it's own its the hardest, it's hard because I am extremely dedicated to my passions and if I would do whatever I could to help it mend, but I can't.

March
 I was referred to an ortho and I cried really hard in his office when he said there is a possibility I might not run again.  He said a few things like, "if you don't stop running you'll need a hip replacement". He works with athletes and knows we don't stop when pain occurs, he was helping me realize I HAD to stop and not power through the pain.
I tried to listen to his kind words. Then he said I had to get a cortisone shot into my hip. (It's a miracle I didn't faint when he said that, a real miracle for JK and I started paying attention to what  he was saying).

The shot..... I did not do well. 
I didn't faint. I breathed deep, real focus! I kept myself up off the floor!
Ryan got like eight hysterical phone calls while I was in the waiting room. I told him I could go on my own so he didn't have to take work off. I think I thought I could be tougher than I actually am at the doctors.

I guess I should be embarrassed. But I'm not. We all have our strengths. Medical stuff is not my strong point.  It never has been.

Ryan's  made a recommendation that I remake my athletic self. The thing about me is, I don't often remake myself. I love consistency and routines and being confident in what I do.

Finding a new sport means vulnerability, risks, and the possibility of not loving it. I don't have a relationship with any other sport. I'm a runner. It's been a part of my identity.

April

I'm working in physical therapy three days a week going through a routine that takes about two hours to get the muscles around my injury stronger. I'm working hard. I take physical therapy seriously! I tried really hard not to cry at my first appointment, I did. But not that much.

My Physical therapy office is full of busted athletes. A woman wore her marathon t-shirt to pt, limping in, showed up to get stronger. To beat the injury and get back on the road. My therapist is incredible. So kind and encouraging. I've actually enjoyed the hours and hours I've spent at the office.

I'm considering swimming but it's indoors (and outdoor open water swimming is NOT for me..... When I did my triathlon in open waters....... I hated it). I took an aqua boot camp class, it was ok. I think swimming is such a beautiful sport. It's actually my favorite Olympic sport to watch.  I have been spending more and more time working on my swim technique. I'm also a biker but biking is a way to commute, to get around. It doesn't give back the way  running does. There's spinning classes and honestly the dark room and loud music and so many bodies covered in so much sweat all in a tiny room, not my fave.

Fitness classes are so trendy and there's a billion options in NYC for classes, I'm lucky. But I'll restate Bono's words, " I still haven't found what I'm looking for".

Early May
There's hope to run again, pain free. I am PAIN FREE!!!! I am thrilled and happy and my PT is really happy for me too and all the progress I made.

My ortho has cleared me for a run!

My ortho is very kind and has recently given me hope that if I am willing to decrease my running and continue to increase my therapy, I am cleared to do a run! To try it, to see what happens. He told me that on Tuesday, I haven't tried yet. I have worked SO hard to stabilize my injury, I'm nervous!
  My sports medicine Dr. has created a two week run/jog plan to get back on the road. I AM thrilled!
 
Late May
Week one of the "back to running" plan. My hip hurts. The torn hip is not strong enough. I limp back home, defeated and bummed.

Now it's surgery talk. My ortho is the best and his schedule is full until September. I am hoping for an appointment for the surgery now. 

Swimming has been pretty great lately. I have been enjoying my time in the water. 

Having this injury had made me so thankful for my health over the years.
Running Is irreplaceable, but we're on a break right now, figuring out if this relationship should continue, if it's healthy, if it works.  

Early June
I have a surgery date, it's August 3 and I have one of the best doctor for the surgery. It's an outpatient procedure and the recovery on crutches is 3-4 weeks and then 3-4 months of PT. 
And then this athlete will be back!
It's a journey. 
I'm learning a lot about limitations, expectations, and having grace for myself.   

Late June 
I'm about five weeks out from surgery. I'm a little nervous but also excited to not be in pain all the time. I'm so excited to run again and take high intensity classes!
The insurance talk is stressful. 
Planning who pays and how much I owe is complicated and makes me a little nervous.