I wonder what it would be like to not be scared. If you know me well, have heard some of my stories, or came to my classroom at school then probably the last word you might use to describe me would be 'scared'. For those few of you who know my secrets you are not surprised to hear that life scares me a little bit. Ok, sometimes more than a little bit.
I am scared of small spaces. I couldn't go up in the arch in St. Louis because the "pod" (the "pod" is really more like a recipe for how to be guaranteed a fast, full-on panic attack the moment you step in). I was out visiting my friends Sarah and bekah and when we bought our tickets they asked, "is anyone claustrophobic". Being the fake tough person I am, I said no. Big mistake. My heart races just a little too fast when I am in small spaces and if I feel trapped in that small space...... step back because that is not a good state for me.
I have been learning about the art of knowing myself and learning my limitation. Realizing that limitations do not mean weakness. I have always had a desire to be tough, to be able to take anything on and survive. I am a survivor. I think maybe we all are. Surviving and enjoying life do not really go hand in hand I am realizing. I think I prefer to enjoy life.
There was a fight in the hallway of my school a few weeks away that found its way into my classroom. I tried to close the door and couldn't. I got stuck behind the door and my bookshelf. Not a good place for someone who hates small spaces AND feeling trapped. (I start to sweat just a little even thinking about it)
And back to the lessons I am learning. I want to be strong in a real way. I want to enjoy and be aware of all that I have and not feel pressure to prove to anyone. I want to accept that some things do scare me but that doesn't mean I am a weak person. I think I am over living in survival mode.
2 comments:
Jes you are one of the strongest people I know and you being claustrophobic doesn't change that at all! I'm glad you are learning about your limits because you should never be afraid to speak up when you're uncomfortable. Everyone has their quirks, as I like to call them...I'm scared of drowning which pretty much keeps me out of the ocean past waist deep. I've tried to get over it my forcing myself to go deeper but that, I've found, is not a good idea. So now I enjoy life sitting on the beach or in water where I can touch the bottom :) love you!!
Jes, that is so healthy--to know your limitations. It takes more courage to admit our fears than it does to masquerade as strong all the time. Good job, friend. And so sorry to hear about that horrible fight/trapped experience.
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